# Only fun forwards for fun ...

R K Singh
Ranch Hand
Posts: 5384
How to Recruit

Does your company have a problem in recruiting the right person for the right job? If yes, try out this simple experiment. Put
around 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send 2-3 candidates into the room and close
it from the outside. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours, and then analyze the situation:

If they are counting and recounting the number of bricks,
PUT THEM IN CASH

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks,
PUT THEM IN THE CLEARING DEPT

If they are arranging the bricks in some other order,
PUT THEM IN PLANNING

If they are throwing the bricks at each other,
PUT THEM IN OPERATIONS

If they are sleeping,
PUT THEM IN SECURITY

If they have broken the bricks into pieces,
PUT THEM IN INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY

If they are sitting idle,
PUT THEM IN HR

If they have thrown the bricks out of the window,
PUT THEM IN THE LOANS SECTION

If they are clinging onto the bricks,
PUT THEM IN TREASURY

If they are discussing endlessly and not a brick has moved,
PUT THEM IN MANAGEMENT

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet
not a brick has moved,
PUT THEM IN SALES

If they have already left for the day,
PUT THEM IN MARKETING ...

============

basha khan
Ranch Hand
Posts: 516
A man went to visit a madhouse and started talking with a madman. "You seem sane enough to me, why are you here?" he asked.
"Well, to tell you the truth, I don't know. Maybe it's because I like children."
"What's wrong with that? I like children too."
"Really? Fried or boiled?"

R K Singh
Ranch Hand
Posts: 5384
Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.
Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"
So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest, may I smoke while I pray?"
But the Priest says, "No, my son, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion."

Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.
Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."

And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest, may I pray while I smoke?"
To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means."

For starters you can say: “Can I work on this project while I'm on vacation?”

==========

> Real life IAS i.e. UPSC Exam 1998 Interview
> Question and there Answer given by Candidates oh sorry IAS Officer now.
>
>
> Q.How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking
> it?
> A.Concrete floors are very hard to crack! (UPSC Topper)
>
>
> Q.If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall,how long would it
> take four men to build it?
> A. No time at all it is already built. (UPSC 23 Rank Opted for IFS)
>
>
> Q.If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four
> apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
>
> A. Very large hands.(Good one) (UPSC 11 Rank Opted for IPS)
>
>
> Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
> A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with
> one hand. (UPSC Rank 14 Opted for IES)
>
>
> Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
> A. No Probs , He sleeps at night. (UPSC IAS Rank 98)
>
>
> Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
> A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that. (UPSC IAS Rank 2)
>
>
> Q. What looks like half apple ?
> A : The other half. (UPSC - IAS Topper )
>
>
> Q. What can you never eat for breakfast ?
> A : Dinner.
>
>
> Q. What happened when wheel was invented ?
> A : It caused a revolution.
>
> Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?
> A : Liquid (UPSC 33Rank )
>

============================

Phases of a Man!!!

Before Finding a Girl – Spiderman.

After Finding his Girl - Superman
After the Engagement - Gentleman
After the Marriage - Watchman
10 years After Marriage - Doberman

===========

> |-------------------------------------+-----------------------------------
> -----------|
> | Kannukkul Nilavu |thinking of going US in h1b
> |
> |-------------------------------------+-----------------------------------
> -----------|
> |Sollamale |without notice and resignation,quitting the job
> |
> |-------------------------------------+-----------------------------------
> -----------|
> |Gopura Vasalile |US Embassy entrance
> |
> |-------------------------------------+-----------------------------------
> -----------|
> |HouseFull |H1B quota over
> |
> |-------------------------------------+-----------------------------------
> -----------|
> |Vazhave Mayam |h1b rejected
> |
> |-------------------------------------+-----------------------------------
> -----------|
> |Kushi |H1B Stamped
> |
> |-------------------------------------+-----------------------------------
> -----------|
> |Varumayin Niram Sivappu |Bench without salary
> |
> |-------------------------------------+-----------------------------------
> -----------|
> |tic tic tic |First day in client's place
> |
> |-------------------------------------+-----------------------------------
> -----------|
> |Punnagai Mannan |Doesn't understand what the
> Client says. |
> |-------------------------------------+-----------------------------------
> -----------|
> |Aasai |to have green card
> |
> |-------------------------------------+-----------------------------------
> -----------|
> |Minsarakkanavu |Green card
> |
> |-------------------------------------+-----------------------------------
> -----------|
> |Amarkalam |returning to native(mainly village) from US after 1 year
> |
> |-------------------------------------+-----------------------------------
> -----------|
> |Alaipayuthe |jumping from one company to another
> |
> |-------------------------------------+-----------------------------------
> -----------|
> |Mugavari |dreaming of starting new company Programming
> |
> |-------------------------------------+-----------------------------------
> -----------|
> |Kandukonden Kandukonden |after finding the bugs
> |
> |-------------------------------------+-----------------------------------
> -----------|
> |Basha |one patch fixes 100 bugs (OR) A fix introducing 100 new bugs
> |
> |-------------------------------------+-----------------------------------
> -----------|
> |GentleMan | writing proper comments on code
> |
> |-------------------------------------+-----------------------------------
> -----------|
> |
> |-------------------------------------+-----------------------------------
> -----------|
> |Enakul Oruvan | Data Encapsulation
> |
> |-------------------------------------+-----------------------------------
> -----------|
> |Oru veedu Iru Vaasal |Multiple Inheritance TCS
> |
> |-------------------------------------+-----------------------------------
> -----------|
> | Kaithy Kannayiram | TCS employee
> |
> |-------------------------------------+-----------------------------------
> -----------|
> |Oru kaithiyin Diary |Biodata of TCS employee
> Characters |
> |-------------------------------------+-----------------------------------
> -----------|
> |
> |-------------------------------------+-----------------------------------
> -----------|
> |Gokulathil Seethai |MBA guy doing Java programming
> |
> |-------------------------------------+-----------------------------------
> -----------|
> |Hey Ram |doing MTech in IITs and joining as Programmer |
> | |Trainee
> |
> |-------------------------------------+-----------------------------------
> -----------|
> |Chinnathambi |2+ yr exp. guy becoming a PL
> |-------------------------------------+-----------------------------------
> -----------|
> |Periyanna |4 yrs exp. guy still being a PE (Project Enggr.)
> |
> |-------------------------------------+-----------------------------------
> -----------|
> |Nalai Namathe |Non CSE students doing computer courses in Training
> Institutes Indian -
> working in a foreign country getting INR salary |
> |-------------------------------------+-----------------------------------
> -----------|
> |Ayirathil Oruvan |WIN NT kernal mode device drivers programmer |
> |-------------------------------------+-----------------------------------
> -----------|
> |Iruvar |BillGates and Bill Clinton
> |
> |-------------------------------------+-----------------------------------
> -----------|
> |Velaikkaran |Programmer
> |
> |-------------------------------------+-----------------------------------
> -----------|
> |Ejaman |Project Manager
> |
> |-------------------------------------+-----------------------------------
> -----------|
> | Thiruda Thiruda |Code stealer Sun/Microsoft
> |
> |-------------------------------------+-----------------------------------
> -----------|
> |Suriyan |Sun Microsystem
> |
> |-------------------------------------+-----------------------------------
> -----------|
> |SuryaVamsam |Sun's family of products
> |
> |-------------------------------------+-----------------------------------
> -----------|
> |Nattammai |BillGates
> |
> |-------------------------------------+-----------------------------------
> -----------|
>

=============

R K Singh
Ranch Hand
Posts: 5384
Two women are discussing about their hubbies...
How come your husband always reaches home at time; infact before time
I have kept a simple rule..

Sex will be at sharp 9.00 P.M whether you come or not.

==========

Gail Schlentz
Ranch Hand
Posts: 634
Wow - it's been too long since anyone's posted something funny here!! What's up with that!?!

Let's see if this qualifies:

Subject: The cowboy and the IRS

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

basha khan
Ranch Hand
Posts: 516
The newlywed couple flew to Miami and checked into the honeymoon hotel. For days nothing was seen of them, until the morning of the sixth day, when they came to the dining room for breakfast. As the waiter approached their table, the bride turned to her husband and said, "Honey, do you know what I would like?"
"Yes, I know," he replied wearily, "but we have to eat sometime."

---
basha

R K Singh
Ranch Hand
Posts: 5384
CONFESSIONS OF A DANGEROUS MIND

It was about a month ago when a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest:
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During World War II, I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

*************

DYING IN PEACE

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them.

They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the banker said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."

=========================

SLIP OF TONGUE

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - -silence - -
HUSBAND: "Shit."

===============

A man is having only two hairs on his head.

Hair 1: Hi Hair 2

Hair 2 : Hi Hair 1

Hair 1 : Lets Get married and raise more hairs. .......r u ready Hair1....??

Hair 2: Ok..

But there is a twist in the tale : Both the hairs are not allowed to get married ... Why ?? (Scroll Down )

Socho.................

Soch na yaar.........

Kyunki Baal Vivaah is strictly prohibited in India !!

R K Singh
Ranch Hand
Posts: 5384
SELF APPRAISAL

A little boy went into a drug store, reached for a soda carton and pulled it over to the telephone. He climbed onto the carton so that he could reach the buttons on the phone and proceeded to punch in seven digits. The store owner listened to the following conversation.

The woman replied, "I already have someone to cut my lawn"

"Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now."

The woman responded that she was very satisfied with the person who was presently cutting her lawn.

The little boy found more perseverance and offered, "Lady, I'll even sweep your curb and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will have the prettiest lawn in all of North Palm Beach, Florida."

Again the woman answered in the negative.

With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver.

The druggist, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy and said, "Son... I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job."

The little boy replied, "No thanks! I was just checking on the job I already have!"

Shiva Menon
Greenhorn
Posts: 5
Women:
A wife was not at home for a whole night.
So she tells her husband, the very next morning, that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment over night.

So the husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends and none of them confirm that.

Men:
A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the very next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night.

So the wife calls 10 of his best friends and 5 of them confirm that he stayed at their apartments that night and another 5 are claiming that he is still with them.

Ashik Uzzaman
Ranch Hand
Posts: 2373
Boss

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to Three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars."

"Why does the parrot cost so much? Asks the man. The shop owner says, well, the parrot knows how to use a computer."

The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one cost 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus worked on the J2EE/Struts & UNIX operating system.

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third Parrot to be told that it costs 5,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question "What can it do? To which the shop owner replies, "To be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two calls him boss!"
[ October 17, 2004: Message edited by: Ashik uzzaman ]

R K Singh
Ranch Hand
Posts: 5384
One Sardar happens to be smartest among all other sardars, once wanted to
transfer some files form one PC to another PC. Following was the steps

Followed by him.

1) Right clicked the mouse on the file which he wanted to transfer and
selected cut option.
2) Disconnected the mouse from that PC
3) Took that mouse carefully and connected it to the other PC where he
Wanted to copy that file
4) And trying to paste it there....!!!

Balle Balle....

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sardar - Why r all these people running?
Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Sardar - If only the winner will get the cup, why are others running?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Man: Sardarji, where were you born?
Sardarji: PUNJAB.
Man: Which Part?
Sardarji: Oye! Part part kya kar raha hai, whole body born in Punjab.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One Day Sardar's Girlfriend asks him,
Girlfriend: "Darling, on our Engagement will you give me a RING?"
Sardar: "Ya sure, give me ur Telephone No."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Teacher told all Students in a class to write an essay on a Cricket
Match.

All were busy in writing except one Sardar.
He Wrote as "DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sardar was standing in front of the Mirror with his eyes closed.
Wife - What do you think you are doing?
Sardar - I just want to know how i look when i sleep...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gail Schlentz
Ranch Hand
Posts: 634
1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive
new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. My next house will have no kitchen -- just vending machines and a large
trash can..

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss: The Pope only expects
you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the
bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the
drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course,
there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking out the trash, gives the
impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me
off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for
Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned
building.

12. My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was
and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies
could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said, "Will?
What will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite!"

13. Definition of a teen-ager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point
the wrong way.

15. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting
clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up
in the first place!

16. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping." Now I just "chunky
dunk."

17. The early bird still has to eat worms.

18. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.

19. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the
difference.

20. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply
press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

21. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't
fallen asleep yet.

22. My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she
said.

23. Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

24. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can
in prison?

25. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started
with something called labor.

26. Brain cells come, and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever!

R K Singh
Ranch Hand
Posts: 5384
Wipro/infy v/s my company

Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The first engineer
finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands.

He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towel after
paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his hands was dried.

Turning to the other two engineers, he said, ï¿½At Wipro, we are trained to be
extremely thorough.ï¿½

The second engineer finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his
hands.

He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every
available portion of the paper towel.

He turned and said, ï¿½At Infy, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough,
but we are also trained to be extremely efficient.ï¿½

The third engineer finished and walked straight for the door, shouting over his
shoulder, ï¿½At my company we donï¿½t pee on our hands.ï¿½

R K Singh
Ranch Hand
Posts: 5384
A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard

students. As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the
students to introduce themselves with name and hobby.
Boys start giving their intro...
First boy: "My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the
bathtub."
Teacher was confused to listen but said, "Interesting. Well, Ok. In fact
we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is
essentially a child in each of us. So it's ok John. Yes next."
Second boy: "Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."
Teacher now got surprised and said, "Good. I like the spirit of
supporting a friend. Ok next."
Third boy: "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."
Teacher: "Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next."
This continues, and the last boy stands up "I'm Harry and my hobby is to
see bubble in the bathtub."
Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach
un-grown boys for long. Anyway, now the girls please."
First girl: "I'm Julie and my hobby is to see birds."
Teacher: "Good. At last I got something different. Ok next."
Second girl: "I'm Ruby and I like to collect perfumes."
Teacher "Now it's like educated grown up girls. Ok next. You sweet girl;
Yes you..."
Most beautiful girl of the class: "Mam, my name is Bubble, and my hobby
is to take bath three times a day."

-----------------------------------

koi apni biwi ka antim sanskar karke ghar ja raha tha ki achanak bijli
baarish shuru hui dukhi aadmi bola:
Lagta hai pahunch gai

How do you fit 30 marwadis in a Maruti 800 ?
Throw a 100 rupee note inside

-

Sardar enters kitchen and opens the sugarbox. Sees inside and closes it.
Wife observes the whole episode
Again he comes and does the same stuff. Wife askes Why are you doing
this?
Sardar replies: Doc told to check sugar level regularly

-----

Angry sardar-Oye mein is duniya ko mita dunga - mita dunga- mita dunga.
Another sardar standing besides said mein tujhe rubber nahi dunga.

Santa singh: Can u spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Banta singh: Post office.

-------
Sardar on cycle hit lady accidently, lady says," break nahi mar sakta
tha
kya?
Sardar replies "break ka kya hai, poori cycle to mar di....."

----\

Sardarji zebra crossing ke black & white patte par bar bar idhar-udhar
chalte the, woh kya soch rahe
honge....think.............
"SALA YE PIANO BAJTA KYO NAHI"

Friend: B.A.
Sardar: kamal karte ho yaar sirf do word padhe aur woh bhi ulte.

A friend asks sardar how was ur exam?
Sardar: It was ok but i couldnt answer past tense of THINK.
I thought, thought & finally i wrote 'THUNK'.

Sardar: Doctor help me, mein jab baat karta huun to muje sirf awaaz
sunai
Dr: Aaisa kab hota hai?
Sardar: Phone karte waqt.

Sardar jhad pe bethkar gaa rahe the, achanak ek sardar jhad se ulta
latak
ke gaane
laga, dusre ne pucha ki ulta kyon latka he, Sardar bola oye side B gaa
raha
hun.

----------------------

>
> Sachin Tendulkar and Sourav Ganguly, now pretty old guys, 75 and 80
> years old, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about
> cricket, like they do every day. Sachin turns to Sourav and says, "Do
> you think there's cricket in heaven?" Ganguly thinks about it for a
> minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a
> deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's cricket in
> heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
>
> They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Sachin passes on.
> One day soon afterward, Ganguly is sitting there feeding the pigeons by
> himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sourav... Sourav!" Ganguly
> responds, "Sachin! Is that you?" "Yes it is, Sourav," whispers Sachin's
> ghost. Ganguly, still amazed, asks, "So, is there cricket in heaven?"
> "Well," says Sachin, "I've got good news and bad news." "Gimme the good
> news first," says Ganguly. Sachin says, "Well... there is cricket in
> heaven." Ganguly says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to
> ruin that!?" Sachin sighs and whispers, "You're going to be the opening
> batsmen on Friday."
> -vijay
>
>

-----------------------

>
> Once in America a plane crashed, only a monkey who was traveling in the
>
>
> plane was left alive. Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to
>
>
> understand our language and reply in actions. The officials went to see
>
>
> the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.
>
>
>
>
>
> Officer: "When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?"
>
>
> Monkey : "Tying their belts"
>
>
> Officer: "What were the airhostesses doing?"
>
>
> Monkey: "Saying Hello! Good morning!"
>
>
> Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
>
>
> Monkey: "Checking the system"
>
>
> Officer: "What were you doing?"
>
>
> Monkey:"Looking for my people"
>
>
>
>
>
> Officer: "After 10' minutes what were the travelers doing?"
>
>
> Monkey: "Having beverages and snacks"
>
>
> Officer: "What were the airhostesses doing?"
>
>
> Monkey: "Serving the travelers"
>
>
> Officer: "What were the Pilots doing?"
>
>
> Monkey: "Handling the steering"
>
>
> Officer: "What were you doing?"
>
>
> Monkey: "Eating & throwing"
>
>
>
>
>
> Officer: "After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?"
>
>
> Monkey: "Some were sleeping and some were reading"
>
>
> Officer: "What were the airhostesses doing?"
>
>
> Monkey: "Make up"
>
>
> Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
>
>
> Monkey: "Handling the steering"
>
>
> Officer: "What were you doing?"
>
>
> Monkey: "Nothing"
>
>
>
>
>
> Officer: "Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing?"
>
>
> Monkey: "All were sleeping"
>
>
> Officer: "What were the air hostesses doing?"
>
>
> Monkey: "Kissing the pilots"
>
>
> Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"
>
>
> Monkey: "Responding"
>
>
> Officer: "What were you doing?"
>
>
> Monkey: "Handling the steering !!"
>

----------------------------

Gail Schlentz
Ranch Hand
Posts: 634
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a 4-hour operation. A young nurse appears in his room to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black? Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other hand, takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them!"

The man removes his oxygen mask and says very slowly, "That was really nice, but listen very, very closely, "Are...my...test...results...back?"

Gail Schlentz
Ranch Hand
Posts: 634
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

The name is Baud.......James Baud.

The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

C: Bad command or file name Go stand in the corner.

Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)

Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny

A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.

Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.

All computers wait at the same speed.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981

Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?

If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.

Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.

Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?

Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename"

All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

Hit any user to continue.

E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.

Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!!

Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

C: DOS - C: DOS RUN - RUN DOS RUN

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

Ashik Uzzaman
Ranch Hand
Posts: 2373
The Reason why I never visit rich people!!

Question : "What would you like to have ..Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?"

Question : " Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey, bush tea, Ice tea or green tea ?"

Question : "How would you like it ? black or white ?"

Question: "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk ?"

Question: "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk"

Question: " Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?"
Answer: " Um, I'll take it black. "

Question: " Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"

Question: " Beet sugar or cane sugar ?"

Question:" White , brown or yellow sugar ?"

Question: "Mineral water or still water ? "

Question: "Flavored or non-flavored ?"
Answer: "I'll rather die of thirst.

sunitha reghu
Ranch Hand
Posts: 937
I shall seek and find you
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you
I will make you ache, shake, and swear until you moan and groan
I will make you bed for mercy... beg me to stop...
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relievedwhen I'm
finished with you And you will be weak for days

All my love,
THE FLU

R K Singh
Ranch Hand
Posts: 5384
Ek baar Ek Intelligent Singh ek MNC mein interview dene jata

> hai.

> Interview mein manager poochta hai ï¿½ So.. Mr. Singh, what do u

> expect

> for the salary ?ï¿½

>

> Singh :ï¿½Jyada nahi saab, bus mahine ka 80 hazaar rupaye, Ek chota

> sa

> bunglow, Ek gadi, aur kuch naukar-chakarï¿½

>

> Manager : ï¿½Ok Mr Singh, Hum aapko mahiney ka ek Lakh pachas

> hazzar

> rupayei, Ek bada sa bunglow in Nariman Point, Ek BMW gadi with a

> Driver,

> aap ke bacchon ko school ka admission, aur 10 Naukar apki wife

> ke liyeï¿½

>

> Singh is very excited

> Singh :ï¿½Kyon saab majaak kartey ho!ï¿½

>

> Manager :ï¿½Shuru kisney kiya thaï¿½

Ashik Uzzaman
Ranch Hand
Posts: 2373
English At Its Best

1. A candidate's application: "This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'typist and an accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both for the past several years and I can handle both, I am applying for the post.
2. An employee applied for leave as follows: "Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife. Please sanction me one week leave."
3. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows: "Since I've to go to the graveyard and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave".
4. Another leave letter written to Administration dept: "As my Mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."
5. Actual letter written for application of leave: "My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

Mani Ram
Ranch Hand
Posts: 1140
A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go
fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be
gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion
I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week
and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office & I
will swing by the house to pick my things up." "Oh! Please pack my new
blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is,
did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a
little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and
asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some
Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk
pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replied, "I did... THEY'RE IN UR FISHING BOX............. "

R K Singh
Ranch Hand
Posts: 5384
Originally posted by Mani Ram:

The wife replied, "I did... THEY'RE IN UR FISHING BOX............. "

You naughty boy ..

AW
__________________________________

There is a good old barber in Miami in US.

One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to
pay
the
barber and the barber replies: 'I am sorry, I cannot accept money from
you;
I
am doing a Community Service'.

Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber
goes
to
open his shop, there is a Thank You Card and a dozen roses waiting at
his
door.

-----

A Confectioner goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber he
again
refuses to take the money. The Confectioner is happy and leaves the
shop.
The
next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank
you
Card
and a dozen Cakes waiting at his door.

-----

A Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the
barber
again refuses the money saying that it was a community service. The
next
morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess what he
finds there......

.
.
.

.

.
.

.
.
.
.

.
.
.
.

.
.
.
.

A Dozen Software engineers waiting for a free haircut... with printouts
of forwarded mail mentioning about free haircut.

Ray Marsh
Ranch Hand
Posts: 458
hmmmm... salmon (fresh and salt water), bluegill (fresh water), swordfish (salt water). That is one interesting fishing hole he went to. I don't know... the story sounds fishy to me.

Here's one...

A Blonde Cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice ! custom, and leaves it there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my sisters though."
[ December 01, 2004: Message edited by: Ray Marsh ]

Ashik Uzzaman
Ranch Hand
Posts: 2373
Food Shortage

Last month, a survey was conducted by the U.N. worldwide. The only question asked was, "Would you please give your most honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a HUGE failure.

• In Africa they did not know what "food" meant.
• In Western Europe they did not know what "shortage" meant.
• In Eastern Europe they did not know what "opinion" meant.
• In the Middle East they did not know what "solution" meant.
• In South America they did not know what "please" meant
• In Asia they did not know what "honest" meant.
• And in the USA they did not know what "the rest of the world" meant.

•
Ashik Uzzaman
Ranch Hand
Posts: 2373
Santa and Banta are two friends and Santa Singh has a very good job. Banta Singh is jobless and one day asks Santa to help him get some good Job.

Santa singh says, "OK, next time we will apply together." And they do. On interview day, Santa Singh says, "First I will go inside and answer all questions except the last one, and after coming out, I will give you all the answers and questions. Then you go in and answer everything. You will get the Job. So, Santa goes in.

EMPLOYER: When did we get independence?
SANTA: Efforts started in 1857, but we got freedom in 1947.
EMPLOYER: Good. Who is our PM?
SANTA: It changes daily and these days its Atal Bihari Vajpayee.
EMPLOYER: OK. What's India's population?
SANTA: (He was not to reply the last one so he says) Good Question, Research is going on, and when I know, I will tell you, Sir.

Now he comes out and tells the questions and answers to Banta Singh. Banta Singh (True SARDAR that he is) remembers all answers and forgets the questions. He goes in Now.

EMPLOYER: When were you born?
BANTA: Efforts started in 1857, but got freedom in 1947.
EMPLOYER: What??? Who is your father?
BANTA: It changes daily and these days its Atal Bihari Vajpayee.
EMPLOYER (Now quite upset): Are you mad Mr.Banta?
BANTA: Good Question. Research is going on, and when I know, I will tell you Sir.

Ashik Uzzaman
Ranch Hand
Posts: 2373
NEWTON'S LAWS RESTATED FOR IT INDUSTRY

1.
(ORIGINAL) -
Every body continues its state of rest or uniform motion unless it is
acted by external unbalanced force.
(IT) -
Every Software Engineer continues his state of chatting or forwarding mails
unless he is assigned work by external unbalanced manager.

2.
(ORIGINAL) -
The rate of change of velocity of a body is directly proportional to the
applied force & takes place in the same direction in which force is applied
(IT) -
The rate of change in the software is directly proportional to the payment
received from client and takes place at the quick rate as when deadline
force is applied.

3.
(ORIGINAL) -
For every action there is equal and opposite reaction.
(IT)
For every Use Case Manifestation there is an equal but opposite Software
Implementation.

4.
(ORIGINAL) -
Law of Conservation of Energy: Energy can neither be created nor be
destroyed. It can be converted from one form to another. The total amount of
energy in the universe always remains constant.
(IT) -
Bugs can neither be created nor be removed from software by a developer. It
can only be converted from one form to another. The total number of bugs in the software always remains constant.

R K Singh
Ranch Hand
Posts: 5384
Originally posted by Ashik uzzaman:
NEWTON'S LAWS RESTATED FOR IT INDUSTRY

You missed last one

5.
The Uncertainty Principle of Heisenberg:
(ORIGINAL): "The more precisely the POSITION is determined,the less
precisely the MOMENTUM is known"

(IT):"The more precisely the deadline is achieved, the less
precisely the quality is maintained".

Malhar Barai
Author
Ranch Hand
Posts: 399
Santa was one of the four persons who were in the final stages of interviewing for a prestigious job. The Company decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview.
Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the president of the company told them that all were very worthy applicants, and that he wished he could hire them all, but that they only had enough money budgeted to hire one person. He told them that he would call each of them in one at a time for a final interview the next day, and that he would ask each one of them the same question. Whoever answered the question the best would be the one hired. All applicants agreed that this was fair.
The next day the first applicant was called in.
The president posed the question, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"
He thought for a moment and replied, "That would have to be a thought."
"Why do you say that?" asked the president.
"Well, a thought takes no time at all...it is in your mind in an instant, then gone again."
"Ahh, very good. Thank you," replied the president.
Next the same question was posed to the second person.
"What is the fastest thing in the world?"
She paused and replied, "That would have to be a blink."
"Because you don`t even think about a blink, it`s just a reflex. You do it in an instant."
The president thanked him. He then called in the next applicant and asked the same question.
After hesitating for a brief moment, he replied, "I would have to say electricity."
"Why?"
"Because a man can flip a switch, and immediately, three miles away a light will go on."
"I see, very good," replied the president.
Now it was the turn of our Santa. So he was called in and the President posed the question.
"What is the fastest thing in the world?"
"That`s easy..." he replied, "that would have to be diarrhoea!"
Rather stunned, the president asked, "Why do you say that?"
"Well, last night after dinner, I was lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps..... and before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS......"

********************************

A army trainer was teaching his recruits about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.
Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then Santa in the back eagerly raised his hand.
"Yes Santa, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?"
Santa replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why`s that Santa ?"
"Well," answered Santa, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"

*******************************

There was an english man, who was singing "There was a cold day", whilst having a shit in cinema toilets.
Our Banta walks by and hears him singing "There was a cold day, There was a cold day" he slam`s the door wide open.
The englishman in a shock say`s, "What the bloody hell are u doin ?"
Banta replied, "Oh, sorry ! I thought you ar saying, darwaza khol deyh (open the door)."

****************************

There was this case in the hospital's Intensive care ward where patients always died in the same bed and on Sunday morning at 11 A.M., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM.

A worldwide expert team was constituted and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents. So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 A.M., all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.

Some were holding prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil.

Just when the clock struck 11 Santa, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system & plugged in the vacuum cleaner.

****************************

Banta is pulled over by the same motorcycle cop who caught him earlier last month for not stopping at lights and beat him up. So Banta decides to go for a revenge this time.
Banta: Is there a problem Officer?
Cop: Sir, you were speeding.
Banta: Oh I see.
Banta: I`d give it to you but I don`t have one.
Cop: Don`t have one?
Banta: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Banta: I can`t do that.
Cop: Why not?
Banta: I stole this car.
Cop: Stole it?
Banta: Yes, and I killed and raped the owner.
Cop: You what?
Banta: She`s in the trunk if you want to see.
The Cop looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Senior Officer: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please! Banta steps out of his vehicle.
Banta: Is there a problem sir?
Senior Officer: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Banta: Murdered the owner?
Banta opens the trunk, revealing nothing.
Senior Officer: Is this your car sir?
Banta: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The Officer is quite stunned.
Senior Officer: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.
Banta digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled.
Senior Officer: Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn`t have a licence, stole this car, raped and murdered the owner.
Banta: Bet you the liar told you I was speeding, too.

***********

Have a fun filled year ahead !!!

-MB

Ashik Uzzaman
Ranch Hand
Posts: 2373
They are lovers sitting at the cafe. The boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air. The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover, "Can't you see the warning written on the cigar packet? Smoking is injurious to health!"

The boy replies back "I am a software engineer. We don't worry about warnings. We only worry about errors!"

R K Singh
Ranch Hand
Posts: 5384
>
> NEW ELEMENT IN THE PERIODIC TABLE
>
> Element : WOMEN
>
> Symbol : O+
>
> Atomic mass : Accepted as 53.6 Kg; isotopes may vary
> from 40-200 kg.
>
> Occurrence : Copious quantities in all urban areas.
>
> PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
>
> 1. Boils at room temperature
>
> 2. Freezes without any known reason.
>
> 3. Melts if given special treatment.
>
> 4. Bitter, if incorrectly used.
>
> 5. Sweet as Honey if given a proper treatment.
>
> CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
>
> 1. Have great affinity for Gold, Silver and a range of
> precious stones and absorbs great quantities of
> expensive substances.
>
> 2. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and
> for no known reason.
>
> 3. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.
>
> COMMON USES
>
> 1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
>
> 2. Can be great aid to relaxation.
>
> TESTS
>
> 1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when happy.
>
> 2. Turns green when placed behind a better specimen.
>
> POTENTIAL HAZARD
>
> Illegal to possess more than one, although several can
> be maintained at different locations as long as
> specimens do not come in direct contact with each
> other.
>
> !! WARNING !!
>
> PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO THIS ELEMENT CAN CAUSE SEVERE
> FINANCIAL HEMORRHAGING AND MENTAL DISTRESS. BE
> CAUTIOUS ABOVE PROPERTIES ARE SHOWN BY ALL THE WOMEN
> OF THE WORLD
>
>

Ashik Uzzaman
Ranch Hand
Posts: 2373
Between Sanity and Insanity

1. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman. Before marriage and after marriage.

2. The difference between riding a bicycle and a woman is that Riding a bicycle you fix your ass & move your legs, while Riding a woman you fix your legs & move your ass.

3. When you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to, and the rest of time to others.

4. Never believe in 'love at first sight'. It's always best to take a second look.

5. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.

6. Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.

7. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the
other is the husband!

8. I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they
wanted cash.

9. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased
new school uniforms.

10. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

11. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot
live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

12. You can't buy love . . . but you pay heavily for it.

13. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.

14. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

15. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

16. Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

17. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with
me.

18. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

20. A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with
the same person.

21. You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing
them.

22. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job; he still ends up with the same boss.

23. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

24. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for
you.

25. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets
to speak!

26. Untrustworthy - Few men look trustworthy with their pants down around
their ankles.

27. No Fear - I keep all my credit cards maxed out so I never have to worry

28. Jack brags about his sex life, "I know I'm really good in bed because
women always ask me if there's any possible way I could make it last longer."

29. Jelly - A blonde bought a contraceptive jelly, but got
pregnant anyway because she failed to read the directions and ate the jelly
on the toast.

30. You might as well sleep with me because I'm going to tell everybody we
did it anyway.

31. A blonde goes half way to Finland from USA and back to discover that a
"14 Inch Viking" was a TV set not a sexy man.

32. Do you know that look women get on her face when they want sex?
Me neither.

33. A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad; An optimist hopes
they are.

34. Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished.

35. Common sense is good to have, but never let it master you for then it
might deprive you of the foolish things it's fun to do.

36. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why the wife
treats her husband like toxic waste...

37 The sweet young thing decided she'd rather be a young man's slave than
an old man's darling, explaining that she hated the thought of feeling old age creeping up on her.

39. When man invented fire, he didn't say, "Hey, let's cook"... He said,
"Great! Now we can see naked asses in the dark!"

40. Airline Hostess have great job because men are strapped to their seats

41 For checkbook security, I keep all my checks signed so that thief cannot
sign my checks.

Malhar Barai
Author
Ranch Hand
Posts: 399
IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON... you get three meals a day.
AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON... you get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK... you get more work for good behaviour.

IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and
open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON... you get your own toilet.
AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK... you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK... they are called managers.

-MB

Malhar Barai
Author
Ranch Hand
Posts: 399

-MB

R K Singh
Ranch Hand
Posts: 5384
Guru Rum aa,

Guru Whiskey,

Guru Vodka maheshwara!!!:

Guru Saakshat Peg Brahma, Tasme Shree Beer Namah!

R K Singh
Ranch Hand
Posts: 5384
Aaj Tak gets news that 100 sardars are killed in a train accident at
Amritsar station. Only one sardar left alive.

The correspondent goes to him and asks, "Sardarji how did it happen?"

Sardar: "Oh ji pucho mat. sab kuch sahi tha sab log platform par khade
gaadi ki wait kar rahe they. Achanak announcement hui ki shatabdee
express 2 no. platform par aa rahi hai. Jaise hi sab ne suna ki gaddi
PLATFORM PAR aa rahi hai, sab log apni jaan bachane ke liye patri par
kood gaye. Aur tabhi gaddi patri par aa gayi."

Aaj tak: "Thank god. Aap ne samajhdari dikhayee. Aap patri par nahin
koode."

Sardar: "oye nahin ji main to suicide karne ke liye patri par hi leta
tha. Jaise hi announcement hui, main to platform par chad gaya."

===========================

Fiat Uno

Five Irishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

The gorgeous blonde Italian customs agent stops and tells them, "It's illegal to put five people in a Quattro."

"What do you mean it's illegal?" asks the driver.

"Quattro means four," replied the blonde.

"Quattro is just the name of the car," the Irishman retorted in disbelief, "Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You can't pull that one on me," replies the Italian customs agent, "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and are therefore breaking the law".

The driver replies angrily, "Brainless idiot! Call your supervisor over - I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," she said sweetly, "he can't come right now. He's busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno."
___________________________

Costly Perfume

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.

She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, \$150 an ounce!"

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, \$200 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says, "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."

R K Singh
Ranch Hand
Posts: 5384
There's this young single guy on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink.
Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote, deserted island.
Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks
up at him, wide-eyed and grateful, "My God, you saved my life!"
He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!
Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night.
Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"
He says, "Actually, Cin, there is. Would you mind, um, putting on my shirt?"
"Uh, sure," she says, "if this will help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it on.
"Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.
"Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says.
"Um, OK, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks.
"Whatever you want, honey," she says, and does.
Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"
She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up halfway around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says,
"Dude! You'll never believe who I'm banging!"
________________________________________

Vajpayee and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?"
The barman says "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?"
Bush says, "We're planning world war 3"
The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
And Vajpayee says, "Well, we're going to kill 14 million Pakistanis and one bicycle repairman."
And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!!!"
Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, "See, I told you no-one would worry about the 14 million Pakistanis!"
________________________________________

Vajpayee, Musharraf, Madhuri Dixit and Margaret Thatcher are traveling in a train. The train suddenly goes thru a tunnel and it gets completely dark.
Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel.
Thatcher and Vajpayee are sitting there looking perplexed. Musharraf is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap.
All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.
Thatcher is thinking: "These Pakistanis are all crazy after Madhuri.
Musharraf must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him."
Madhuri is thinking: "Musharraf must have moved to kiss me,and kissed
Musharraf is thinking: "Damn it, Vajpayee must have tried to kiss Madhuri,
she thought it was me and slapped me."
Vajpayee is thinking: "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap Musharraf again".

Manmohan Singhania
Ranch Hand
Posts: 55
Old jokes but still laughing

Balaji Loganathan
author and deputy
Bartender
Posts: 3150
A middle aged man bought a brand new convertible Porsche. He took off
down the road, pushed it up to 160 and was enjoying the wind blowing
through his (thinning) hair.

"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.
But when he eventually looked in his rear-view mirror there was a
Police
Car
behind him, blue lights flashing.

"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he
floored
it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 km/hr to escape being
stopped.

Then he thought, What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of
thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the
Police
car to catch up with him.

The Policeman pulled in behind the Porsche and walked up on the
driver's
side.

"Sir, my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th.

"If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before as to
why you were speeding, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the Policeman and said,

"Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman and I thought you were
bringing her back."

The Policeman said, "Have a nice day, sir"

R K Singh
Ranch Hand
Posts: 5384
The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught
Sunday School every week. On one Sunday, an out of town
acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a
fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, the
man leaned forward and said,"Hey, how about you and I having dinner on
Tuesday?"
"Why Yes, that would be nice," the lady responded.
Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked the
lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South
Carolina. When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and
suggested, "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no," said our circumspect fine example of southern womanhood,
"What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, our gentleman was setback a bit, so he didn't say much until after
dinner. When he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, "Would you like a
smoke?"
"Oh my, goodness no," said the woman "I couldn't face my Sunday School
class if I did?"
Well, our boy felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and
as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He'd
been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so
he ventured forth with, "Ahhh ... mmmm how would you like to stop at this
motel?"
"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation. The gentleman
couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast U turn right then and there. Drove
back to the motel and checked in.
The next morning after a wild and passionate night, the gentleman awoke
first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed and with
remorse thought, "What the hell have I done?
He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing, whatever
are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
The lady said, "The same thing I always tell them. 'You don't have to smoke
and drink to have a good time.'"

Jesse Torres
Ranch Hand
Posts: 985