# Only fun forwards for fun ...

Jesse Torres
Ranch Hand
Posts: 985
<h1>What shall I wear to court?</h1>

[ March 09, 2005: Message edited by: Jesse Torres ]

Jesse Torres
Ranch Hand
Posts: 985
Counting Condoms

A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.

Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"

Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."

Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"

Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."

Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"

Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."

R K Singh
Ranch Hand
Posts: 5384

Work = Force x Distance

W=F x D

According to Newton,

Force = Mass x Acceleration

F = M x A

By Substitution,

Work = Mass x Acceleration x Distance

So, Take a Break!

Nischal Tanna
Ranch Hand
Posts: 182
Now something for Love & Marriage:

Love
One day, Plato asked his teacher, "What is love? How can I find it?" His teacher answered, "There is a vast wheat field in front. Walk forward without turning back, and pick only one stalk. If you find the most magnificent stalk, then you have found love." Plato walked forward, and before long, he returned with empty hands,having picked nothing.His teacher asked, "Why did you not pick any stalk?" Plato answered, "Because I could only pick once, and yet I could not turn back. I did find the most magnificent stalk, but did not know if there were any better ones ahead, so I did not pick it. As I walked further, the stalks that I saw were not as good as the earlier one, so I did not pick any in the end.His teacher then said, "And that is love."

Marriage
On another day, Plato asked his teacher, "What is marriage? How can I find it?" His teacher answered, "There is a thriving forest in front. Walk forward without turning back, and chop down only one tree. If you find the tallest tree, then you have found marriage." Plato walked forward, and before long, he returned with a tree. The tree was not thriving, and it was not tall either. It was only an ordinary tree. His teacher asked, "Why did you chop down such an ordinary tree?" Plato answered, "Because of my previous experience. I walked halfway through the forest, but returned with empty hands. This time, I saw this tree, and I felt that it was not bad, so I chopped it down and brought it back.
I did not want to miss the opportunity." His teacher then said, "And that is marriage."

Ranch Hand
Posts: 54
That is not joke but rather REALITY

Nischal Tanna
Ranch Hand
Posts: 182
Originally posted by Dipak Mahbubani:
That is not joke but rather REALITY

Yeah very true, just some real buzz for guys...

Jason Menard
Sheriff
Posts: 6450
Ravish,

JavaRanch is an English language site. Anything posted in a language other than English must be accompanied by a complete English translation. Posts which do not meet this criteria may be removed.

Damanjit Kaur
Ranch Hand
Posts: 346

soumya ravindranath
Ranch Hand
Posts: 300
Thanks Ravish, it was like back to college

R K Singh
Ranch Hand
Posts: 5384
Originally posted by Jason Menard:
Ravish,
Anything posted in a language other than English must be accompanied by a complete English translation.

When ever I post something other than english I try to provide translation. But it was too big and translating in English will murder the PJs(poor jokes).

I can only say.. trust me. Its not religious/political. Any member who can undestand it confirm it. And if it would be political/religious than I will never post here.

I have my own club http://clubs.indiatimes.com/clubs/funforwards with restricted membership.
There I post all non-sense for people who also think that it is non-sense and dont get senti.

Any moderator who feels that it should be removed from "Fun Forwards" is free to do so.

Point is that, some jokes are linguistic jokes. If they would be translated then they lose their meaning. And this list of PJs is one of them.

It adheres all JR-MD policies, thats all I can say.

Axel Janssen
Ranch Hand
Posts: 2166
Originally posted by R K Singh:

http://clubs.indiatimes.com/clubs/funforwards

What are you doing there
This site is blocked by the customers firewall.
Its that dangerous for public moral that its blocked in M�nster, Germany?

Ashish Chopra
Ranch Hand
Posts: 134
Originally posted by Axel Janssen:

What are you doing there
This site is blocked by the customers firewall.
Its that dangerous for public moral that its blocked in M�nster, Germany?

It s a standard IT policy in many companies to block chat rooms, group sites etc. to prevent employees from spending their time on such sites.

To some extent, a similar policy in enforced at my workplace too!!!
[ April 19, 2005: Message edited by: Ashish Chopra ]

Ranch Hand
Posts: 54
Indiatimes site anyway is accessed by those who are obsessed hedonism.

Damanjit Kaur
Ranch Hand
Posts: 346
Here is the English version for some of Hindi (funny poetry) above for which I tried to do the translation.

Hindi
aap muskratay hay to bago may phool kilthay hay
aap muskratay hay to bago may phool kilthay hay
aap nahi muskratay to bhi phool kilthay hay

English :

You smile then flowers bloom in the Garden.
You smile then flowers bloom in the Garden.
You don't smile, even then flowers bloom in the Garden.

Hindi
mein tere pyaar mein paagal huaa chhaliye
mein tere pyaar mein paagal huaa chhaliye,
Iodex maliye kaam pe chaliye

English
Apply Iodex, get back to Work. ( This is a slogan from an advertisement for Iodex, which is a pain reliever.)

Hindi
maine tumse pyaar kiyaa, tere bhai ne mujhe pitaa
maine tumse pyaar kiyaa, tere bhai ne mujhe pitaa
tan ki shakti, man ki shakti, Bournvita

English
I loved you, your brother beat me up
I loved you, your brother beat me up
Body Power,Mind Power - Bournvita ( A Slogan from Bournvita advertisement, which is taken to boost energy)

Hindi
Lal diwar par chune se likha tha ghalib ne
Lal diwar par chune se likha tha ghalib ne
Yahan likhana mana hai.

English
On the red wall, wrote Ghalib with a white Chalk
On the red wall, wrote Ghalib with a white Chalk
Here, writing is forbidden.

Hindi
maine tujhe sau-sau khat likhe,
Tune kisi ka bhi jawab nahi diya;
Kahin tere dil mein raddi ki tokri to nahi?

English
I wrote you hundreds of letters

Hindi
1) Coke peete, Pepsi peete; bhool gaye nimbu paani
....Phir Bhi Dil Hai Hindustani
2) MTV, Channel-V cool hain; bhool gaye Akashwani
....Phir Bhi Dil Hai Hindustani
3) ReserveBank hain Khali Khali; Swiss Bank mein saara maal
paani
...Phir Bhi Dil Hai Hindustani
4) Ideas hain naye naye; Problem woh hi purani
....Phir Bhi Dil Hai Hindustani
5) HongKong main honeymoon; New York main meri naani
....Phir Bhi Dil Hai Hindustani
6) Kapde hain Amreeki; Gaadiyan hain Japani
....Phir Bhi Dil Hai Hindustani
7) Paanch saal mein chaar government dekhi; Na aur kahin suni na
jaani
....Phir Bhi Dil Hai Hindustani

English
1) Drinking Coke, Drinking Pepsi; forgotten Lemon-Water.
...Still Heart is Indian.
2) MTV, Channel-V are cool; Forget Akashwani --- an old Indian Radio broadcast channel.
...Still Heart is Indian
3) Reserve Bank is empty; Swiss Bank is full with all money
...Still Heart is Indian
4) Ideas are new; but Problems are same old ones
...Still Heart is Indian
5) Honeymoon in HongKong; Grandmother is in New York
...Still Heart is Indian
6) Clothes are American, Cars are Japanese
...Still Heart is Indian
7) Saw four Governments in five years; Neither spoken nor heard or listened
.... Still Heart is Indian

Hindi
Allah ke nam pe koi ek biwi de de,
apni nahi to doosre ki hi de de,
Allah tujhe ek ke badle do dega,
Hillary hogi to Monika bhi dega.

Above quotes are usually spoken by beggars asking for money. They will ask like this- In the Name of God, Please give me one Rupee, If you give me one Rupee, God will give you two Rupees. This Quote is distored and is being used by a bachelor in search of a life partner. So its English version goes like this-

In the name of God, someone give me a wife,
If not own's wife then somebody else's wife,
God will give you two in exchange of one,
If Hillary is there, Monika will also be there.

R K Singh
Ranch Hand
Posts: 5384
Subject: Top 21 things an Indian does after returning to India from "US". Good One!

21. Tries to use credit card in road side hotel.

20. Drinks and carries mineral water and always speaks of health
conscious.

19. Sprays duo such so that he doesn't need to take bath.

18. Sneezes and says 'Excuse me'.

17. Says "Hey" instead of "Hi".
Says "Free Way" instead of "Highway".
Says "got to go" instead of "Have to go".
Says "Oh" instead of "Zero", (for 704, says Seven Oh Four Instead of Seven Zero Four)

16. Doesn't forget to crib about air pollution. Keeps cribbing every
time he steps out.
15. Says all the distances in Miles (Not in Kilo Meters), and counts
in Millions. (Not in Lakhs)
14. Tries to figure all the prices in Dollars as far as possible
(but deep down the heart multiplies by 43 times).

13. Tries to see the % of fat on the cover of a milk pocket.
12. When need to say Z (zed), never says Z (Zed), repeats "Zee"
several times, if the other person unable to get, then says X, Y
Zee(but never says Zed)
11. Writes date as MM/DD/YYYY, on watching traditional DD/MM/YYYY,
says "Oh! British Style!!!"
10. Makes fun of Indian Standard Time and Indian Road Conditions.
9. Even after 2 months, complaints about "Jet Lag".
8. Avoids eating more chili (hot) stuff.
7. Tries to drink "Diet Coke", instead of Normal Coke.
6. Tries to complain about any thing in India as if he is
experiencing it for the first time.
5. Pronounces "schedule" as "skejule", and "module" as "mojule".
4. Looks speciously towards Hotel/Dhaba food.

Few more important

3. From the luggage bag, does not remove the stickers of Airways by
which he traveled back to India, even after 4 months of arrival.
2. Takes the cabin luggage bag to short visits in India, tries to
roll the bag on Indian Roads.

Ultimate one

1. Tries to begin conversation with
"In US ...." or "When I was in US..."

Marc Peabody
pie sneak
Sheriff
Posts: 4727
Yet another forward, the author is a female who knows why nerds and geeks make the best boyfriends.

In the wide world of dating, there are many options. Do you go for the flashy guy with the smooth smile, or the dude in the corner typing away on his laptop? The following are reasons why I think my fellow females should pay more attention to the quiet geeks and nerds, and less attention to the flashy boys.

1.) While geeks and nerds may be awkward, they�re well-meaning 9 out of 10 times. That smooth dude with the sly grin and the spider hands? Wonder what HIS intentions are... plus, I�ve never had a geek guy not call me when he said he would. Score major points THERE.

2.) They�re useful. In this tech-savvy world, it�s great to have a b/f who can make your laptop, desktop, and just about anything else that plugs into a wall behave itself.

3.) They�re more romantic than they�re given credit for. Ok true, their idea of romance might be to make up a spiffy web-page with all the reasons why they love you, with links to pics of you and sonnets and such... but hey. It lasts longer than flowers, plus you can show your friends.

4.) Due to their neglected status, there are plenty to choose from. You like �em tall and slender? There are plenty of geeks/nerds who are. You like �em smaller with more meat on their bones? Got that too.

5.) They�ve got brains. Come on now, how can intelligence be a bad thing?

6.) Most are quite good at remembering dates. Like birthdates and such, especially if they know it�ll make you happy. Due again to their neglected status, they�re more attentive than guys who �have more options�. Plus, with all that down time without a steady girlfriend, they�ll likely have mental lists of all the things they�d love to do once they GOT a girlfriend.

7.) Sex. Yep. Sex. I�m not really familiar with this myself, but I�ve friends who�ve been intimate with geek guys and it�s raves all around. They say a virgin wrote the Kama Sutra... all that time thinking about sex, imagining sex, dreaming about sex, (they are male after all) coupled with a desire to make you happy? Use your imagination.

8.) They�re relatively low-maintenance. Most can be fueled on pizza, Twinkies and Mt Dew. No complicated dinners needed here, so if you�re not the best cook, eh. Can you order a pizza?

9.) Most frequent bars as often as slugs frequent salt mines. You won�t have to worry much about your geek guy getting his �groove� on with club hotties because, frankly, he�ll be too busy rooting around under his computer wondering where that spare cable went. You won�t have to worry about him flirting with other women because, 9 out of 10 times, he�ll zip right by them in a perfect b-line towards the nearest electronics store. I�ve seen this happen.
Me: �Eww. Victoria Secret�s Models... They�re so skinny. How is that feminine? You can see her ribs!�
Geek Guy: �ooooooo...�
Me: �Hey!� *notices he is staring lustfully towards the computer store*
Geek Guy: �What?�
Me: �Never mind...�

10.) Although he may not want to go to every outing with you, you can arrange swaps, as in, you�ll go to his Gamer Con dressed as an elf princess if he�ll take you to the ballet. Plus, if he doesn�t want to go someplace with you, you won�t have to worry much about what he�s up to. You�ll probably come home to find him asleep on his keyboard in a sea of Mt. Dew cans with code blinking from the screen. It�s ok. He�s used to this. Just toss a blanket over him and turn out the light.

11.) His friends aren�t jerks. I can�t stress this enough. You�ll more likely get �Omg! A GIRL!! Can I see?!� than �Hey hot stuff back that ass up here and let me get some grub on...� They�re awkward geeks too and will, 9 times out of 10, treat you with the utmost respect and, more than likely, a note of awe. A cute girl picked one of their clan to date? It could happen to them! Hope! Drag some of your single girlfriends over, open up a pack of Mt. Dew, crack open the DnD set and get working. Nothing impresses geek guys more than a girl who can hack-n-slash (well ok maybe if she can code... a geek can dream).

12.) They�re rarely if ever possessive. They trust you, so you can be yourself around them. You like to walk around the house in a ratty t-shirt for comfort? He won�t care. He does too! They won�t get pissy if you don�t wear make-up or don�t want to bother primping your hair. If you gain a few pounds, they won�t try their best to make you feel like crap.

13.) They�re usually very well educated. Physics majors and the like. See #5. You won�t have to listen to him blathering on about his car (ok maybe a little), he�ll have loads of other interesting things to talk about. Politics, world events, how much the chicken burgers down at the local place rock, so long as you douse them in hot sauce...

14.) You�ll almost never have to hear, �Yaw dawg whazzap!!� plop out of their mouths. Unless it�s in jest. They spell properly, use correct punctuation, and are able to tell the difference between the toilet and the floor. They almost never get �wasted�, so you won�t have to worry about coming home to find him and his friends passed out on the floor amidst a pile of beer bottles. Mt. Dew cans, perhaps...

15.) And the final reason why geeks and nerds make great boyfriends: They actually give a damn about you. Not how you look (though that�s a plus), not how skinny you are, not how much make-up you primp yourself up with, but they like you for you. That kind of thing lasts longer than �DaMN baby you got a fine ass!!!� Believe me.

R K Singh
Ranch Hand
Posts: 5384
should not be in FunForwards but let this black joke be here ...

================================
In a poor zoo of India, a lion was frustrated as he was offered not
more
than 1 kg meat a day.

The lion thought its prayers were answered when one US Zoo Manager
visited the zoo and requested the zoo management to shift the lion to
the US Zoo.

The lion was so happy and started thinking of a central A/c
environment,
a goat or two every day and a US Green Card also.

On its first day after arrival, the lion was offered a big bag, sealed
very nicely for breakfast.

The lion opened it quickly but was shocked to see that it contained few
peanuts.

Then the lion thought that may be they cared too much for him as they
were worried about his stomach as he had recently shifted from India.

The next day the same thing happened. On the third day again the same
food bag of peanuts was delivered.

The lion was so furious, it stopped the delivery boy and blasted at
him,
"Don't you know I am the lion...king of the Jungle..., what's wrong
with
your management?, what nonsense is this?, why are you delivering
peanuts
to me?"

The delivery boy politely said, "Sir, I know you are the king of the
jungle but ..

-

-

-.

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

err... did you know that you have been brought here on a monkey's visa
!!! .

Shalini Chandel
Ranch Hand
Posts: 115
Time for some male bashing.....( for a change )..

Q: What is the difference between men and puppies?
A: Puppies grow up.

Q: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
A: Because they are...

Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
A: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.

Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit the ground first?
A: Who cares???.....

Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.

Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO ?
A: I don't know, I've never seen either.

Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: i) no mind ii) no business

Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
A:! Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions.

Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no intention of driving.

Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him!!!.

Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.

R K Singh
Ranch Hand
Posts: 5384
Difference between Friends Girl Friends and wives

Friends are like land line connection @Reliable, stable and you pay the minimum only.

Girl Friends are like pre-paid connection @you propose before you actually fall in love with her, you have to pay for activation charges(movies, visiting),but Network problem ( friends, family ,teachers and parents)may occur any time, Roaming is too costly( whenever you in other City ??? ) most importantly you can change the connection beware of spending again a activation charge.

Wives are like post-paid connection, you take the connection first without knowing how long it runs and pay again-and-again (Ideally whole-life).
[RK: ironically not true in some geographies]

Jesse Torres
Ranch Hand
Posts: 985
Lego Matrix

Jesse Torres
Ranch Hand
Posts: 985
Originally posted by R K Singh:
should not be in FunForwards but let this black joke be here ...

================================
In a poor zoo of India, a lion was frustrated as he was offered not
more
than 1 kg meat a day.

The lion thought its prayers were answered when one US Zoo Manager
visited the zoo and requested the zoo management to shift the lion to
the US Zoo.

The lion was so happy and started thinking of a central A/c
environment,
a goat or two every day and a US Green Card also.

On its first day after arrival, the lion was offered a big bag, sealed
very nicely for breakfast.

The lion opened it quickly but was shocked to see that it contained few
peanuts.

Then the lion thought that may be they cared too much for him as they
were worried about his stomach as he had recently shifted from India.

The next day the same thing happened. On the third day again the same
food bag of peanuts was delivered.

The lion was so furious, it stopped the delivery boy and blasted at
him,
"Don't you know I am the lion...king of the Jungle..., what's wrong
with
your management?, what nonsense is this?, why are you delivering
peanuts
to me?"

The delivery boy politely said, "Sir, I know you are the king of the
jungle but ..

-

-

-.

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

err... did you know that you have been brought here on a monkey's visa
!!! .

Good one!

R K Singh
Ranch Hand
Posts: 5384
What is the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, and 48, 58 and 68?

At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!

Shalini Chandel
Ranch Hand
Posts: 115
A Sardarji comes up to the Pakistan border on his bike. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.The guard Iqbal stops him and says, "what's in the bags?", "Sand", answered the Sardarji. Iqbal says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike."

Iqbal's guards take the bags and rips them apart; empty them out and find nothing in them but sand.He detains the Sardarji overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. Iqbal releases the Sardarji, puts the sand into new bags, heaves them on to the Sardarji 's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. Iqbal asks, "What have you got?" "Sand", says the Sardarji.

Iqbal does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to the Sardarji, and crosses the border on his bike. This sequence of events is repeated every day for one year.

Finally, the Sardarji, doesn't show up and one day the guard meets him in a "dhaba" in Islamabad. "Hey Buddy", says Iqbal, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about...I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

The Sardarji, sips his Lassi and says, "Bike".

R K Singh
Ranch Hand
Posts: 5384
A lie machine is bought.It works in the
following way.....

If the truth is told- the machine wont give any
sound
If a lie is told- the machine will give a sound
'TNAAAAA...'

Now there are three Indians.One Bengali,one Madrasi
and one Sardarji.

Their correspondences are given infront of the lie
machine.Here it goes......

Bengali:- 'I think I can eat 30 rosogullas at a time!'
Lie machine:-'TNAAAAA...'
Bengali:-'No no, I think I can eat 10 rosogullas at a time'
Lie machine:- no sound(truth is told)

Madrasi:-'I think i can eat 25 dosas at a time'
Lie machine:-'TNAAA...'
Madrasi:-'No no,I think i can eat 10 dosas at a time'
Lie machine:-no sound(truth)

Sardarji:-'I think....'
Lie machine:- 'TNAAAAAA.....'
Sardarji:-'I think...'
Lie machine:-'TNAAAAAAA......
Sardarji:-'I think...'
Lie machine:-'TNAAAAAAA......
Sardarji:-'I think...'
Lie machine:-'TNAAAAAAA......
Sardarji:-'I think...'
Lie machine:-'TNAAAAAAA......
Sardarji:-'I think...'
Lie machine:-'TNAAAAAAA......
Sardarji:-'I think...'
Lie machine:-'TNAAAAAAA......
Sardarji:-'I think...'
Lie machine:-'TNAAAAAAA......

Sardarji: Oyee !!!
SS

R K Singh
Ranch Hand
Posts: 5384
shamelessle copied from http://o3.indiatimes.com/jonagil

=======

Driving in Bangalore is like working on a Six Sigma process. There are a million opportunities for a defect; in this case a process defect being defined as �getting a dent in your car�. A day with less than 3.4 scratches, dents or bent bumpers means that your driving for the day is Six Sigma qualified.

Every time you brake; you brace for impact from behind, invariably there is a car, auto or a bike just a few millimeters behind the rear bumper ready to crash into you. I pity those cars with �body color bumpers� ; they will have to be repainted after every hit. Mine has a �Scratch� color bumper so that it absorbs as many scratches as it likes. I tried to get a Scratch Color car but they don�t sell them here. So I had to do with a scratch color bumper

Every car owner blames any dent on the ubiquitious �Other Driver�. The �Other driver� is one who brakes too early or never brake on time. He either makes a turn without an indicator or tries zipping past cheekily on a bike through your left when you have your left indicator on and slowly turning left- just begging to be knocked down.

According to �been-here-for-a-long-time� Bangaloreans everything can be blamed on the Software engineers. Nothing was the same again afterwards..�After the Software Revolution almost overnight the population doubled; quadrupled and had the city bursting at the seams. All Software Engineers went on onsite trips and bought cars & flats with the money they saved. They had survived on just Puliyogre rice in US/UK/Canada for an year to save money for the entire duration of their onsite trip.

However the government was not in a mood to let them drive happily ever after in their new flashy cars. They called emergency meetings and made the decision to dig up all the roads�Also they decided to build �Semi-fly-overs� thru out the city. These were specially designed to narrow down the existing roads and make them so congested that not even a �fly can go over� to the other side. People initially thought these are like fly-overs in other cities ;but later on came to know these are meant to be �Semi-fly-overs� which is supposed to be like a speed breaker (speeding is if you go above 20 kmph) and never will be like those on which vehicles actually ply on..

Talking about flies; how can you forget mosquitoes; another remarkable phenomenon hereabouts�. Around the time Infosys was thinking of ESOPs; Mosquitoes learned that Bangalore was a good place for a �byte�. And the rest is history. According to stats, currently there are around 2767 mosquitoes per software engineer in Bangalore. Mosquitoes have a gala time with these �soft� targets

Meanwhile holes in ozone layer induced global warming and the air conditioned city now had air conditioning only in the offices of software co: s. The honchos of the software companies had met and hatched a conspiracy. They wrote a program to increase the atmospheric temperatures in the city so that the offices became pleasant havens for software engineers who now preferred working 15 hrs instead of 9. And dreading their hot n sweaty mosquito infested homes and the rush hours to get there�.

Btw let me tell you; as such we Bangaloreans are not different species from anyone else. But well there is one distinguishing factor.

For eg: Mumbaiites work hard during the week; and in the weekend; go around town sporting T-shirts of brands such as Adidas, Nike, Reebok etc. �.

Bangaloreans too work hard during the week, but go out on weekends sporting t-shirts, jackets, caps, socks, bags & underwear (mebbe) of brands such as Infosys, Wipro or whichever software company we work for................

Back to the topic of driving� Well not so long ago I was one of the �overtake-only-thru-the left� bikers I mentioned earlier but then I managed to become a car owner. In my own foreign trips, though I did not survive on Puliyodiri rice I saved a lot of money by having just one Beer a day and in the end of my sojourn I had saved enough to own just one li�l not-so-new Santro. Still I look at my car and I wistfully remember all those drinks I did not have.

Back in Bangalore I did a Cost-Benefit analysis of using the car vis-�-vis the bike. Well btw my KB 125 bike is unique. Unlike other bikes where the mileage is calculated in Km per liter; this gr8 breakthrough� of motorcycling; the mileage is calculated in liters to go one Km!!! This can probably be attributed to the fact that my knowledge of Zen and that of Motorcycle Maintenance are quite comparable. Anyway in the final tally, mileage-wise the car won hands-down. So due to economical reasons I chose the car

Another important reason I choose the car for my daily commute is the Bangalore Bus Drivers..

Well, their mundane existence of just driving passengers back n forth bored these guys to no extent. Then one of them saw Tiger Woods on TV and devised a game called BMTC-Golf . The rules are similar to ordinary Golf . However in this case each Bus Driver uses his bus instead of a Golf Club. All he has to do is to aim right, swing (the steering) and whack !!Knock a two-wheeler driver to a convenient pot-hole of a suitable size. Jumping a red light and knocking down a 2 wheeler carries extra points and brings down your handicap.As playing BMTC-Golf with a car is as difficult as a �hole in one� i feel a wee bit more comfortable in a car.

Btw the golf courses for this extremely popular sport are designated by the very creative names they have been given. For eg: There�s an 80-feet road; where 80 feet is the average radius of a pothole & similarly there are some 100 feet roads. Each driver compares his tally for the day with the others and the winner buys booze for everyone before everyone starts work the next day...

BPO Qualis drivers have seen the immense entertainment potential for this sport and are fast catching up. They have their own mini versions of the same game which they�re perfecting. They even flaunt their talent on the back of their vehicles like Golf players �How is my driving, call 988XXXXX�. I reckon not too many are talented in other Golf shots like �Putting�, �Teeing� or �Chipping� because I�ve never seen any BPO Qualis driver ask �How is my Putting?� on their back windows

With such varied species around; Bangalore roads are a reflection of life itself. Like in life there are no road signs when u require it and you have to guess by the number of vehicles going into a particular road or open your inner eye and see whether it will lead you to MG road. And in this One-way city if miss a turn, you have to orbit the city like a dogged satellite to get near the same point.

None has to keep reminding you � There are no Second Chances in Life�

Manish Hatwalne
Ranch Hand
Posts: 2596
I attended this Six-Sigma seminar here and it was soooooooooooooo boring...probably they can sell it as the best sleep-inducing therapy!

- Manish

Jesse Torres
Ranch Hand
Posts: 985
Fun Maze!

Good Luck!

soumya ravindranath
Ranch Hand
Posts: 300
>>Slap Your Co-Worker Day is Coming!!
>>
>>Tomorrow is the official Slap Your Irritating
>>Co-workers Holiday: Do you have a co-worker who talks
>>tedious and boring details that you don't give a damn
>>about? Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up
>>stuff creating MORE work for you? Do you have a
>>co-worker who kisses so much booty, you can look in
>>you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when
>>he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it? Well,
>>on behalf of Ike Turner, I am so very very glad to
>>officially announce tomorrow as SLAP YOUR IRRITATING
>>CO-WORKER DAY! There are the rules you must follow:
>>
>>* You can only slap one person per hour - no more.
>>* You can slap the same person again if they irritate
>>you again in the same day.
>>* You are allowed to hold someone down as other
>>co-workers take their turns slapping the irritant.
>>* No weapons are allowed...other than going upside
>>somebody's head with a stapler or a hole-puncher.
>>* CURSING IS MANDATORY! After you have slapped the
>>recipient, your "assault" must be followed with
>>something like "cause I'm sick of your stupid-a\$\$
>>always messing up stuff!"
>>
>>* If questioned by a supervisor [or police, if the
>>supervisor is the irritant], you are allowed to LIE,
>>LIE, LIE! Now, study the rules, break out your list of
>>folks that you want to slap the living day lights out
>>of and get to slapping.....and have a great day

raghu babu
Greenhorn
Posts: 17
hey singh,
I like u r ass hole story..was it happend really..
it made me laugh for hours..
thanks for posting lively story like that..
cheers,
Raghu

Svend Rost
Ranch Hand
Posts: 904
@ Jesse Torres

ARGHHHHHH....!!! damn you

raghu babu
Greenhorn
Posts: 17
u still remember me

achit bhatnagar
Greenhorn
Posts: 8
Nohing against South Indians....but this is funny
---------------------------------------------------
Found on the IIMA student board..
"The Travails of Single South Indian men of
conservative upbringing" or
"Why we don't get any..."

Yet another action packed weekend in Mumbai, full of fun, frolic and
introspection. I have learnt many things. For example having money when
none of your friends have any is as good as not having any. And after
spending much time in movie theatres, cafes and restaurants I have
gathered many insights into the endless monotony that is the love life
of south Indian men. What I have unearthed is most disheartening.
Disheartening because comprehension of these truths will not change our
status anytime soon. However there is also cause for joy. We never
stood a chance anyway. What loads the dice against virile, gallant,
well educated, good looking, sincere mallus and tams? (Kandus were once
among us, but Bangalore has changed all that.)

Our futures are shot to hell as soon as our parents bestow upon us
names that are anything but alluring. I cannot imagine a more foolproof
way of making sure the child remains single till classified
otherwise. Name him "Parthasarathy Venkatachalapthy" and his inherent
capability to combat celibacy is obliterated before he could even talk.
He will grow to be known as Partha. Before he knows, his smart,
seductively named northy classmates start calling him Paratha. No woman
in their right minds will go anyway near poor Parthasarathy. His
investment banking job doesn't help either. His employer loves him
though. He has no personal life you see. By this time the Sanjay Singhs
and Bobby Khans from his class have small businesses of their own and
spend 60% of their lives in discos and pubs. The remaining 40% is spent
coochicooing with leather and denim clad muses in their penthouse flats
on Nepean Sea Road. Business is safely in the hands of the Mallu
manager.

After all with a name like Blossom Babykutty he cant use his 30000
salary anywhere. Blossom gave up on society when in school they
automatically enrolled him for Cookery Classes. Along with all the
girls.

Yes my dear reader, nomenclature is the first nail
in a coffin of neglect and hormonal pandemonium. In a kinder world they
would just name the poor southern male child and throw him off the
balcony. "Yes appa we have named him Goundamani..." THUD. Life would
have been less kinder to him anyway.

If all the women the Upadhyays, Kumars, Pintos and,god forbid, the Sens
and Roys in the world have met were distributed amongst the Arunkumars,
Vadukuts and Chandramogans we would all be merry casanovas with 3 to 4
pretty things at each arm. But alas it is not to be. Of course the
south Indian women have no such issues. They have names which are like
sweet poetry to the ravenous northie hormone tanks. Picture this:
"Welcome, and this is my family. This is my daughter Poorni (what a
sweet name!!) and my son Ponnalagusamy (er.. hello..).." Cyanide would
not be fast enough for poor Samy. Nothing Samy does will help him. He
can pump iron, drive fast cars and wear snazzy clothes, but against a
braindead dude called Arjun Singhania he has as much chance of getting
any as a Benedictine Monk in a Saharan Seminary.

Couple this with the other failures that have
plagued our existence. Any attempt at spiking hair with gel fails
miserably. In an hour I have a crown of greasy, smelly fibrous mush. My
night ends there. However the northy just has to scream "Wakaw!!!" and
you have to peel the women off him to let him breathe. In a disco while
we can manage the medium hip shake with neck curls, once the Bhangra
starts pumping we are as fluid as cement and gravel in a mixer. Karan
Kapoor or Jatin Thapar in the low cut jeans with chaddi strap showing
and see through shirt throws his elbows perfectly, the cynosure of all
attention. The women love a man who digs pasta and fondue. But why do
they not see the simple pleasures of curd rice and coconut chutney? When
poor Senthilnathan opens his tiffin box in the office
lunch room his female coworkers just dissappear when they see the
tamarind rice and poppadums. The have all rematerialised around Bobby
Singh who has ordered in Pizza and Garlic bread. (And they have the gall
to talk of foreign origin.)

How can a man like me brought up in roomy lungis and oversized
polyester shirts ever walk the walk in painted on jeans (that makes a
big
impression) and neon yellow rib hugging t shirts?All I can do is don my
worn "comfort fit" jeans and floral
shirt. Which is pretty low on the "Look at me lady" scale, just above
fig leaf skirt and feather
headgear a la caveman, and a mite below Khakhi Shirt over a red t shirt
and baggy khakhi pants and white trainers a la Rajni in "Badsha".

Sociologically too the tam or mallu man is severely sidelined. An
average tam stud stays in a house with, on average, three grandparents,
three sets of uncles and aunts, and over 10 children. Not the ideal
atmosphere for some intimacy and some full throated "WHOSE YOUR
DADDY!!!" at the 3 in the morning. The mallu guy of course is almost
always in the gulf working alone on some onshore oil rig in the desert.
Rheumatic elbows me thinks.

Alas dear friends we are not just meant to set the
nights on fire. We are just not built to be "The
Ladies Man". The black man has hip hop, the white
man has rock, the southie guy only has idlis and tomato rasam or an NRI
account in South Indian Bank, Ernakulam Branch. Alas as our destiny was
determined in one fell swoop by our nomenclature, so will our future
be. A nice arranged little love story. But the agony of course does not
end there. On the first night, as the stud sits on his bed finally
within touching distance and whispers his sweet desires into her
delectable ear, she blushes, turns around and whispers back "But amma
has said only on second Saturdays..."

Venkatraman Kandaswamy
Ranch Hand
Posts: 120
Hilarious I say

Jesse Torres
Ranch Hand
Posts: 985
Originally posted by Svend Rost:
@ Jesse Torres

ARGHHHHHH....!!! damn you

Sorry!

Jesse Torres
Ranch Hand
Posts: 985
A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother
with
the following question. "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that

The son thanks his mom and goes off to double-check this with his
father.
"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household
appliances come in white."

Arjunkumar Shastry
Ranch Hand
Posts: 986

Shalini Chandel
Ranch Hand
Posts: 115
One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and
drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops-a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built
like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.

Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek?
Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy

The next day the same thing happened-Big John got on again, made a show of
refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and
so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the
way Big John was taking advantage of him.

Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses,
karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.

So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said,
"Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger,
and screamed, "And why not?"

With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus
pass."

Moral of the story:

Be sure there is a problem in the first place before working hard to solve
one....

R K Singh
Ranch Hand
Posts: 5384
>
> > A unique love letter
> >
> > My Dear FAIR & LOVELY (EK TUKUDA CHAND KA),
> >
> > You are my TVS SCOOTY (First Love) and also my AIWA
> > (PURE PASSION).
> >
> > I always BPL (Believe in best) and you are SANSUI
> > (Better than best).
> > You are MC DOWEL'S (Mera number one) love LA OPALA
> >
> > I believe in FRESHIYA (Gorapan se jyada khoobsurti
> > ka wada) and you
> > are one of the most Beautiful in this world.
> >
> > I think of you day and night when you give me one
> > and only Smile. You
> > are DOMINO'S PIZZA (Delivering a Million of smile
> > per day) for me.
> >
> > This is a COLGATE ENERGY GEL (Seriously fresh)
> > feeling for me.
> >
> > I would like you should be my life partner. I think
> > you are worried
> > unshakeble) and also think of my Father who is CEAT
> > (Born tough) but don't worry I am
> > also FORD IKON (The Josh Machine) and rest of our
> > family members are
> > KELVINATORS (The coolest ones).
> >
> > If they will say no, we will run away and marry and
> > PHILIPS (Lets make things better). They will feel
> > MIRINDA (Jor ka jatka dhire se laghe) and we will
> > COCA COLA(Jo chahe ho Jaye Coca Cola enjoy).
> >
> > Trust in God who's always NOKIA (Connecting people)
> > who love each other.
> >
> > And we are Wills (Made for each Other).
> >
> > After some time, our love will be SAMSUNG DIGITALL
> > (Invited by all).
> >
> > We will be HERO HONDA (Leading the way) of our love
> > life.
> >
> > Then our life is BOLERO (Break free).
> >
> > Now that HYUNDAI (we are listening) to the song of
> > love, you must know that love is DAIRY MILK (The
> > real taste of life), SATYAM ONLINE (Fun, fast,
> > easy), PARX (always comfortable) and also AMUL (The
> > real taste of India).
> >
> > For me, HOME TRADE (Life means more).
> >
> > So never forget me. Ok bye! I wrote little but PEPSI
> > (Ye dil mange More).
> >
> > LG [Digitally yours]
> > XYZ.
> >
>

Vijaypal Singh
Ranch Hand
Posts: 34
I hope this has not already been posted.

Quotes:

* Jone's Motto:
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.

* Terman's Law of Innovation:
If you want a team to win the high jump, you find one person who can
jump seven feet, not seven people who can jump one foot each.

* O'brien's Variation:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster
than the one you are in now.

* Conway's Law:
In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is
going on. This person must be fired.

* The Peter Principle:
In a hierarchy, every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence.
Work is accomplished by those employees who have not
reached their level of incompetence.

* H.L.Mencken's Law:
Those who can, do. Those who cannot teach.

* Martin's Extension:

Belani's Extrapolation:
Those who cannot even administer, become consultants.

* Lieberman's Law:
Everbody lies; but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

* Kovac's Conundrum:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

* Van Herpen's Law:
The solving of the problem lies in finding the solvers.

* Murphy's Law of Government:
If anything can go wrong, it will do so in triplicate.

* Bell's Theorem:
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

* Ruby's Principle of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with
someone you don't want to be seen with.

* Young's Law:
Great discoveries are made by mistake.

* Kin Hubbard:
A good listener is usually thinking about something else

* One Anonymous Great Seer's Law :
Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position

Arjunkumar Shastry
Ranch Hand
Posts: 986
I got this from SMS:
1)ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
The one who invented alphabets is genius but he made a silly mistake by keeping U and I so far!
2)Yaad nahi karoge to sataynege,ruthoge to manayenge,rowoge to hasayenge,
Dost hai hum,Saya nahi jo andhere me sath chod jayenge
(If you don't care to remember me,I will iritate you.If you become angry,I will soothe you.I am your friend, not your shadow to leave you alone in dark. )