IF film stars work for call centers.........................
Amithabh: Thank you for calling customer care... rishte mein to hum tumhare baap lagate hian filhaal ek customer care rep hain... Customer: (angrily) I NEED YOUR MANAGER Amithabh: Jaao pehle uske manager ko laao jisne mere baap ko chor kaha tha.. Jaao pehle uske manager ko laao jisne meri maa ko gaali dekar naukri se nikaal diya tha.. Jaao pehle uske manager ko laao jisne mere haath pe yeh likh diya tha... uske baad uske baad mere bhai.. Tum jis manager ko kahoge main laaonga..
Dharmendra: Thank you for callllllliiiiingggg..... Customer: I need help Dharmendra: main aaraahoon maa... Customer: I am unable to use your product... its waste and worthless Dharmendra: Kutte mein tera khoon peejaaonga.. Customer: What!!! I need your manager Dharmendra: (To his manager) Manager is customer ke saamne nahi naachna
Shatru : Aaaaaiiin Kis ullllu ke patthe ne call kiya hai... Customer : How dare you speak like that Shatru : Khaaaamoshhhhh... seedhi tarah bolde issue kya hai warna... haaaaaaaaa!!!
Asrani: hahhaaaaaaa naya kabutar ne call kiya Customer: I lost my invoice Asrani : Hahhaaaaaaaa hamare jasoos kone kone mein phaile hue hain miljayegi hum angrezon ke zamaane ke rep hain..haahhaaa
Kestu Mukherji: Iiiiiihhhhye.... Customer: hi Kestu Mukherji : iiiihhhyeee tumko ....tumko kya problem hai Customer : I have not received my product Kestu Mukherji : To saale (hicup) main kya karoon.. Police mien report likha...
Bindu: Shabnam naam hai mera... pyar se log shabbo bolte hain..bolo main tumhare kis kaam aasakti hoon.
Shakti: AAAuuuuuu...mera naam hai balllllllllma. Thank you for calling aaauuuuu Customer: I need your manager Shakti: Mujhse baat karona.. Main ek chhota sa, nanha sa, pyarasa...rep hooon..
Mehmood: Ayyo Dyevi ... thank youji for calling ji.. Ayyo Customer : I am not devi Mehmood : Ayyo muruga... ye dyevi nai ji ... ye to dyeva hai...
Ajit: Saara shehar mujhe Lion ke naam se jaanta hai..... May I know your name please Customer : Mona Ajit: Mona darling... tumne hamein call kyun kiya Customer : (Angrily) I WANT YOUR MANAGER Ajit: Mona dear.. Agar hum tumhe hamara manager dedenge to hamein manage kaun karega....
Gabbar: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ....Jo dargaya wo maraga... batao tumhen kya chahiye Customer : I want to buy a product from your company Gabbar: Kitne paise hai re Customer : $ 10.00 Gabbar: Suvvar Ke baccho ... sirf... $10.00...dhikkaar hai
Prem Chopra: Prem...Prem naam hai mera.. Prem chopra... Customer : I lost my invoice I need one Prem Chopra: Kar bhalaa to ho bhalaa..jaa apni invoice khud dhoondle
Rajkumar : Jaani ..... Tumhara ye call bahut keemti hai.. Ise cut mat karna Customer: I lost my invoice Rajkumar: Jaani... ye invoice hai.. Bacchon ke khelne ki cheez nahi Customer : shut up.. I need my invoice sent to me in 10 minutes... otherwise I will speak to your manager Rajkumar : Dhamki kisi aur ko jaakar dena... manager humko dara sake manager mein itna dum nahi... humse hai manager... manager se hum nahi...
Sharukh: Thank you for kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk Customer hung up the phone....
During the Cold War, if USA launched a nuke-loaded missile, Soviet Satellites would inform the Soviet army in 3 seconds and in less than 45 seconds Soviet counter-missiles would be on their way. Recent Studies commissioned by US department of Defense included one on nuclear war Between India and Pakistan.
This was their scenario.................
The Pakistan army decides to launch a nuke-missile towards India. They Don't need any permission from their government, and promptly order The countdowns. Indian technology is highly advanced. In less than 8 Seconds, Indian army detects the Pak countdown and decides to launch a Missile in retribution.
But they need permission from the Government of India. They submit Their request to the Indian President. The President forwards it to the Cabinet. The Prime Minister calls an emergency Lok Sabha session. The LS meets, but due to several walkouts and severe protests by the Opposition, it gets adjourned indefinitely. The President asks for a quick decision. In the mean time, the Pak Missile failed to take off due to technical failure. Their attempts For a relaunch are still on.
Just then the Indian ruling party is reduced to a minority because a party that was giving outside support withdraws it. The President asks the PM to prove his majority within a week. As the ruling party fails to win the confidence vote, a caretaker government is installed. The caretaker PM decides to permit the armed forces to launch a Nuclear missile. But the Election Commission says that a caretaker government can not take such a decision because elections are at hand. A Public Interest Litigation is filed in the Supreme Court alleging misuse of power by the Election Commission.
The Supreme Court comes to the rescue of the PM, and says the acting PM is authorized to take this decision in view of the emergency facing The nation. Just then one of the Pak missiles successfully took off, but it fell 367 miles away from the target, on its own government building at 11.00AM.
Fortunately there were no casualties as no employee had reached the office that early. In any case, the nuclear core of the missile had detached somewhere in flight. The Pakistan army is now trying to get better technologies from China and USA. The Indian Government, taking no chances, decides to launch a nuclear missile of its own, after convening an all-party meeting. This time all the parties agree.
Its three months since the army had sought permission. But as preparations begin, "pro-humanity", "anti-nuclear" activists Come out against the Government's decision. Human chains are formed and Rasta rokos organised. In California and Washington endless e-mails are sent to Indians condemning the government and mentioning "Please forward it to as many Indians as possible".
On the Pakistan side, the missiles kept malfunctioning. Some missiles deviate from target due to technical failures or high-speed wind blowing over Rajasthan. Many of them land in the Indian Ocean killing some fishes. A missile (smuggled from USA) is pressed into service. Since the Pakistan army is unable to understand its software, it hits it Original destination: Russia.
Russians successfully intercepts the missile and in retaliation Launches a nuclear missile towards Islamabad. The missile hits the target and creates havoc. Pakistan cries for help.
India expresses deep regrets for what has happened and sends in a million dollars worth of Parle-G biscuits.
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. She looked out the window and yelled to her lover. Quick jump out the window. My husband's home early!! "I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets "It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.
"He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun, the rain is the least of your problems!" So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon. So he started running alongside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while, a small group of runners, which had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free." Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?" "Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" "Nope.........just when it's raining."
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming. He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store. The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! " Then he got a little panicky. "I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE..during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child! He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"
Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he desired a question on American History. The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The M.C. stepped up to the mic. "Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $64,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?" Bob nodded with a cocky confidence-the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week. "Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?" Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe. "I'll try the easier part first." The M.C. nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half." The audience silenced with gross anticipation...... "Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen??"
A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the toilet. The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor. As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the toilet?" The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should." "Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use the toilet!" "Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there -- and she's only covered by a fig leaf!" "Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll look the other way!" So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the toilet. After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again! He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the toilet, and now the place is hopping again." "Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender. "Would you like a drink too?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, a bell behind the bar rings five times. Now, how about a drink?"
Men 1.. Drive to the bank, park, go to the cash dispenser 2.. Insert card 3.. Dial code and desired amount 4.. Take the cash, the card and the slip
Women 1.. Drive to the bank 2.. Engine stalled 3.. Check make-up in the mirror 4.. Apply perfume 5.. Manually check haircut 6.. Park the car - failure 7.. Park the car - failure 8.. Park the car - success 9.. Search for the card in the handbag 10.. Insert card, rejected by the machine 11.. Throw phonecard back in handbag 12.. Look for bank card 13.. Insert card 14.. Look for the chit (where secret code written) in handbag 15.. Enter code 16.. Study instructions for 2 minutes 17.. #Cancel# 18.. Re-enter code 19.. #Cancel# 20.. Call Boyfriend/husband to get correct code 21.. Enter huge amount 22.. #Error# 23.. Enter large amount 24.. #Error# 25.. Ente r smaller amount 26.. Cross fingers 27.. Take cash 28.. Go back to the car 29.. Check make up in rear mirror 30.. Look for keys in handbag 31.. Start car 32.. Drive 50 meters 33.. STOP 34.. Drive back to bank machine 35.. Get out of the car 36.. Take card and ticket back from machine 37.. Go back to the car 38.. Throw card on passenger seat 39.. Throw slip on the floor 40.. Check make up in rear mirror 41.. Manually check haircut 42.. Go into roundabout - wrong way 43.. BRAKE!! 44.. Go into roundabout - right way 45.. Drive 5 kilometers 46.. Remove hand brake 47.. Stop at mall 48.. Spend money 49.. Go back to step 1
Teacher :What happened in 1869? Student:Gandhi ji was born. Teacher :What happened in 1873? Student:Gandhiji was four years old.
Teacher :Ramya and Shilpa!,why are you late for school,today? Shilpa:Madam,I lost a one rupee coin and was searching for it. Teachear:Ramya,what about you? Ramya:Madam,,I was not able to move beacause I was hiding that coin under my feet.
Question:What is the fullform of maths. Anwser:Mentaly affected teachers harrasing students
Teacher : Now children , if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him then what virtue would I be showing ? Student : BROTHERLY LOVE
Teacher :Because of Gandhiji's hard work what do we get on 15th August. Student:A holiday
Which is the pan in which we cannot fry something?...... japan
Teacher :Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun.Everyone must attend it. Raju:No ma'm! I will not be able to attend it. Teacher :Why? Raju:My mother will not allow me to go so far!!!
Teacher:"Can anyone give me an example of Coincidence?" Johnny:"Sir, my mother and father got married on the same day same time." Teacher: How old is ur father. Sunny:As old as I am. Teacher:How is it possible? Sunny:He became father only after I was born.
Teacher:There is a frog,Ship is sinking,potatoes cost Rs 3/kg .Then,what is my age? STUDENT:32 yrs. Teacher:How do you know? STUDENT:Well,my sister is 16 yrs old and she is half mad.
Student to teacher)Ma'am my pen has run out of ink. Teacher:Go run after it. Teacher:Ramu,get up.How can you sleep in my class? Ramu:I can teacher,if you keep your voice down.
Teacher: Where does God live? Little boy: I think he lives in our bathroom. Teacher: Why do you say that? Little boy: Well, every morning my daddy bangs on the door and says, 'God, are you still in there?'
Teacher:"What is your name?". Student:"Mera naam Suraj Prakash hai." Teacher:"When I ask aquestion in english,answer it in english." Student:"My name is Sunlight."
Mere paass hai .......................
A Project Manager working in a MNC, as usual after lunch goes to the cafeteria for coffee. He relaxes in canteen. He sees a canteen boy cleaning tables there. so he decides to have fun with him. He calls him.
Project Manager - (Asks canteen boy) : How much do you earn?
Canteen boy smiles...
Project Manager - what are your future plans?
Canteen boy keeps quiet...
Project Manager - where do you see yourself 10 years down the line?
Canteen boy gives a cold stare.
Project Manager - Jab mai Bangalore aaya tha tab mere paas bhi kuch nahi tha.... Aaj mere paas kya nahin hai... naam hai, shohrat hai, paisa hai.... tumhare paas kya hai?
Lufthansa Airlines Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain :"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean". The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement. "Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of the plane after this announcement all the passengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's request. Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean. The captain once again made an announcement: "Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane. For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane... -Thank You For Flying Lufthansa- ".
British Airways "This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic." "If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. "If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off." "If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message."
Delta Airlines At the airport for a trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41." So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35. So again we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke " Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program."
"Thanks to Indian media who has over the period of time swiped out intellectual taste from mass Indian population." - Chetan Parekh
MUSHKIL HAI APNA MEL PRIYE > > > mushkil hai apna mel priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye, > mushkil hai apna mel priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye, > > tum MA 1st division ho, main hua matric fel priye, > > mushkil hai apna mel priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye, > > > tum fauji afsar ki beti, main to kisaan ka beta hoon, > tum rabadi kheer malai ho, main to sattu sapreta hoon, > tum AC ghar mein rahti ho, main ped ke neeche leta hoon, > tum nai maruti lagti ho, main scooter lamreta hoon, > is kadar agar hum chup-chup kar aapas me prem badhaenge, > to ek roz tere daddy amrish puri ban jaaenge, > > sab haddi pasli tod mujhe bhijwaa denge vo jail priye, > > mushkil hai apna mel priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye, > > tum arab desh kee ghodi ho, main hoon gadahe ki naal priye, > tum deewali ka bonus ho, main bhookho ki hadtaal priye, > tum heere jadi tashtari ho, main almunium ka thaal priye, > tum chicken-soop biryani ho, main kankad waali daal priye, > tum hiran-chaokadi bharti ho, main hoon kachue ki chaal priye, > tum chandan-wan ki lakdi ho, main hoon babool ki chaal priye, > > main pake aam sa latka hoon, mat maaro mujhe gulel priye, > > mushkil hai apna mel priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye, > > main shani-dev jaisa kuroop, tum komal kanchan kaya ho, > main tan-se man-se kanshi ram, tum maha chanchala maya ho, > tum nirmal paawan ganga ho, main jalta hua patanga hoon, > tum raaj ghaat ka shanti march, main hindu-muslim danga hoon, > tum ho poonam ka taajmahal, main kaali gufa ajanta ki, > tum ho vardaan vidhata ka, main galti hoon bhagvanta ki, > > tum jet vimaan ki shobha ho, main bus ki thelam-thel priye, > > mushkil hai apna mel priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye, > > > > tum nai videshi mixi ho, main patthar ka silbatta hoon, > tum AK-saintalis jaisi, main to ik desi katta hoon, > tum chatur rabadi devi si, main bhola-bhala lalu hoon, > tum mukt sherni jangal ki, main chidiyaghar ka bhaalu hoon, > tum vyast sonia gandhi si, main v.p.singh sa khali hoon, > tum hansi madhuri dixit ki, main policeman ki gaali hoon, > > kal jel agar ho jaaye to dilwa dena tum bel priye, > > mushkil hai apna mel priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye, > > main dhabe ke dhaanche jaisa, tum paanch sitara hotel ho, > main mahue ka desi tharra, tum red-label ki botel ho, > tum chitra-haar ka madhur geet, main krishi-darshan ki jhaadi hoon, > tum vishva-sundari si kamaal, main teliya chaap kabadi hoon, > tum sony ka mobile ho, main telephone waala chonga, > tum machli maansarovar ki, main saagar tat ka hoon ghongha, > > dus manzil se gir jaaooga, mat aage mujhe dhakel priye, > > mushkil hai apna mel priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye, > > tum satta ki maharani ho, main vipaksha ki lachari hoon, > tum ho mamta-jailalita si, main kwara atal-bihari hoon, > tum tendulkar ka shatak priye, main follow on ki paari hoon, > tum getz, matiz, corolla ho main Leyland ki lorry hoon, > > mujhko refree hi rehne do, mat khelo mujhse khel priye, > > mushkil hai apna mel priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye, > > main soch raha ki rahe hain kabse, shrota mujhko jhel priye, > mushkil hai apna mel priye, ye pyar nahin hai khel priye.
Driving Styles ... One hand on steering wheel,one hand out of window. - Sydney
One hand on steering wheel,one hand on horn - Japan
One hand on steering wheel,one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator... - Boston
Both hands on steering wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror - New York
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat - Italy
One hand on horn, one hand on holding gear, one ear listening to loud music, one ear on cell phone, one foot on accelerator, one foot on clutch, nothing on brake, eyes on females in the next car, - Welcome to INDIA!
"Thanks to Indian media who has over the period of time swiped out intellectual taste from mass Indian population." - Chetan Parekh
A teacher is talking to the father of one of his pupils: - Sir, I've asked you to come because I've discovered somewhat of a problem with your son: I have proof that he cheats on his tests. - That is impossible, my son Pierre does not copy anyone else's work. I am sure you are mistaken, if you will pardon my saying so. - May I show you proof so that we can both be sure? For example, here is a history test; the answers are copied from the paper of his friend Henri. Look at the first answer on both papers. The question was "Who came after Napoleon?" Henri's answer is Louis XVIII; Pierre's answer is also Louis XVIII. - Aha! But it was Louis XVIII. - That is true, but look at the second answer. The question was "Where did Napoleon achieve his greatest victory?" Henri's answer is London; Pierre's answer is also London. - Yes, I see them both ... but that's purely coincidence. It's not sufficient proof to accuse my son of copying! - Ahh, but wait, sir, until you see the third answer. The question was "Where did Napoleon die?" Henri's answer is I don't know, and Pierre's answer: Neither do I.
---------------------------------<br />S.C.J.P 1.4(86%),S.C.W.C.D 1.4(88%)<br /> <br />God Must love crazy people...<br />He Makes so many of them.
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:
"God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."
The father asked, "why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this:
"God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma."
The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:
"God bless mommy and good-bye daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get past midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in his office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, is something wrong?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."
>>> Have you ever spoken and wished that you could >>> immediately take >>> the words back...or that you could crawl into a >>> hole? Here are the >>> testimonials of a few people who did.... >>> >>> >>> 1. I walked into a hair salon with my husband and >>> three kids in >>> town and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a >>> shampoo and a blow >>> job?" I turned around and walked back out and never >>> went back. My >>> husband didn't say a word... he knew better. >>> >>> >>> >>> 2. I was at the golf store comparing different >>> kinds of golf >>> balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had >>> been using. After >>> browsing for several minutes, I was approached by >>> one of the >>> good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He >>> asked if he could help >>> me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I >>> think I like playing >>> with men's balls." >>> >>> >>> >>> 3. My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a >>> store that >>> sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking >>> at the display >>> case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed >>> any help. I replied, >>> "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister >>> started to laugh >>> hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red >>> and walked away. To >>> this day, my sister has never let me forget. >>> >>> >>> >>> 4. While in line at the bank one afternoon, my >>> toddler decided >>> to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was >>> finally able to grab >>> hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and >>> annoyance from other >>> patrons. I told her that if she did not start >>> behaving "right now" she >>> would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in >>> the eye and said in a >>> voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go >>> right now, I will >>> tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee >>> last night!" The >>> silence was deafening after this enlightening >>> exchange. Even the tellers >>> stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last >>> of my dignity and >>> walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The >>> last thing I heard >>> when the door closed behind me were screams of >>> laughter. >>> >>> >>> >>> 5. Have you ever asked your child a question too >>> many times? My >>> three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty >>> training and I was >>> on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell >>> for a quick lunch in >>> between errands. It was very busy, with a full >>> dining room. While >>> enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of >>> course I checked my >>> seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I >>> realized that Danny >>> had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him >>> if he needed to go, >>> and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that >>> child has had an >>> accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." >>> Then I said, "Danny, >>> are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he >>> replied. I just KNEW >>> that he must have had an accident, because the smell >>> was getting worse. >>> Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have >>> an accident?" This >>> time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over >>> and spread his >>> cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" >>> While 30 people nearly >>> choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly >>> pulled up his pants >>> and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by >>> thanking me for the >>> best laugh they'd ever had! >>> >>> >>> >>> 6. This had most of the state of Michigan laughing >>> for 2 days >>> and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, >>> in the future, >>> likely think before she speaks. What happens when >>> you predict snow but >>> don't get any....a true story... We had a female >>> news anchor who, the >>> day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, >>> turned to the >>> weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches >>> you promised me >>> last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, >>> but half the crew >>> did too they were laughing so hard! >>> >>> >>> >>> >>> >>> Now, didn't that feel good? Pass it on to someone >>> you know who >>> needs a good laugh.
"Thanks to Indian media who has over the period of time swiped out intellectual taste from mass Indian population." - Chetan Parekh
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
���Let me see" he said. Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken." He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.
He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.
Rabbi answers his phone. "Hello is this Rabbi ?" "It is." "This is a tax auditor from the IRS. Can you help me?" "I'll try." "Do you know a Sam?" "I do." "Is he a member of your congregation?" "He is." "Did he donate $10,000?" "He will."
Someone forwarded me this once. Some of the ranchers might know this guy, or such guys:
A Schoolmaster from Bihar was transferred to a new School in Bombay. He reported for duty two days before August 15 and, as was the practice in the school, was asked to address the school assembly on Independence Day. Here's his dynamite speech : Leddies and Gentulmens, Contemporaries, Children, "This is my first maiden speech. If small mistakes get inside my speech, I ask pardon. Stickly speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly, but for the following reason. Too much time lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment. The clerk rejected to give ticket. I put complaint on stationmaster. He said me to go to lady clerk. At first she also rejected. I then pressed her for long time and at last with great difficulty she gave a birth only to my son. Anyway I thanked the stationmaster because he was responsible for getting birth of my son. We got independent because of great leadersz linke Gundhiji who get-outted all angry peoples from India. Tilak said Swaraj is our birth rate and we shall halve it. Today we all have our birth-rate. You children are future dynamic generators of the Nation. Look into future time only. No backside looking, or looking at your behind. Be like great like X' raj Ranjan of Germany or Presidents like Loosebelt, Dim Butter, Lipton etc. You know genius, no? It is one per cent perspiration and ninety seven percent evaporation. They became great by reading great books. After we finish you off here in the school, you can go to college and get B.A., M.A., M.A.M.A and other decrease. Then you can become great liars in the supreme courts, shattered accountants, or lecherers in college. The school is like a garden. You are the seeds, classroom is the soil. We will bury you in this soil, pour water of knowledge on your heads and one-day you all will become great phools. Many vacancy job come in papers. Only yesterday I saw in paper "Wanted for refuted engineering firm: - Generators, highpower condensors" so and so forth, etc. These jobs may be teknickel, but you can shine. If you have flare in English, you can become teacher. I am now ending this fastly. My God blast you! Thank you and thank God!
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1. What is Common between: Krishna, Ram, Gandhi ji & Jesus..? Sardar ji Replied: All are born on Government Holidays.
2. Teacher to a Sardar: A=B, B=C, So A=C, Give me an example, Sardar: I Love You, You Love Your Daughter, So I Love your daughter.
3. Ek aadmi ki Biwi gum ho gayi, Woh RAM ke Mandir me gaya, Ram ne kaha Baju wale Hanuman Ke Mandir mai ja, Meri bhi usi ne dhundhi thi.
4. A Kid asks the Priest: Father what is your Favorite Pastime...? The Priest pats the kids head & replies : NUN My Child NUN....!!
5. Sardar bought a new mobile. He called everyone from his Phone Book & said "My Mobile No. has changed Earlier it was Nokia 3310 Now it is 6610"
6. Santa: I am a Proud Sardar, My son is in Medical College, Banta: Really, what is he studying, Santa : No he is not studying, They r Studying him.
7. Chinti aur Hathi ka Prem Vivah hua. Agle Din Hathi ki Maut ho gai...!! Chinti Boli Wah Mohabbat, EK din ka pyar hua, ab sari umra kabra khodnemai bitegi..!! (An elephant an an Ant got married. The very next day of their marriage ceremony, elephant died...Ant grieving-" GREAT, just 1 day of so called love, and now my rest of the life will pass on digging bastard's grave")
8. Santa Banta KO 3 live bomb mile, Police KO dene chale, Santa agar koi bomb raste mai Phat jaye to..? Banta : Jhooth bol denge 2 hi mile the...!!! (Santa n Banta got three LIVE BOMBS. They picked them up and decided to go to Police Station and hand them over to Police. Santa--"Wat if 1 of them blasts mid-way" Banta Replied--" No Issues, We will say we found only 2 bombs"...
9. Sardar falls in Love with Nurse. She rejected him. .. why ? .. Because he writes a Love letter to her, "I LOVE U SISTER
A deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist and cannot see condoms on the shelf. Frustrated, the deaf mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter and puts down a five dollar bill next to it. The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf mute and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language. "Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."
> Are you the weakest link? Below are four (4) > questions. You have to answer them instantly. You > can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. > OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are. > > > Ready?> GO!!! (scroll down) > > > > First Question: > You are participating in a race. You overtake the > second person. What position are you in? > > > > > > > > > > Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you > are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second > person and you take his place, you are second! > > > > Try not to screw up in the next question. > To answer the second question, don't take as much time > as you took for the first question. > > > > > Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then > you are...? > > > > > > > > Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, > then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you> overtake the LAST person?! > > > You're not very good at this are you? > > > > > Third Question: Very tricky math! Note: This must be > done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or > a calculator. Try it. > > > > > Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now > add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another > 1000. Now add 10. What is the total? > > > > > > > > Scroll down for answer.. > > Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. > > > > Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is > definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last > question right? > > > Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. > Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter? > > > > > > Answer: Nunu? > NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question > again > > > > > KEEP THIS GOING TO FRUSTRATE THE "SMART PEOPLE" IN > YOUR LIFE > >
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then wemet.-Rodney Dangerfield ----------------------------------------------------------- A good wife always forgives her husband when she'swrong.-Milton Berle ------------------------------------------------------------ I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There waswater in the carburetor."I asked her , "Where's the car?"She replied,"In the lake."-Henny Youngman -------------------------------------------------------------- The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.-Henny Youngman ----------------------------------------------------------------- After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "Youknow, Iwas a fool when I married you."The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ When a man steals your wife, there is no betterrevenge thanto let him keep her. -------------------------------------------------------------- My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.So Igot myself two girlfriends. --------------------------------------------------------- ;Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he isfinished. ---------------------------------------------------------- A man placed an ad in the classified: "Wife wanted."The next day he received a hundred letters.They all said the same: "You can have mine." -------------------------------------------------------- A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband amillionaire. ""And what was he before you married him?" asked thefriend."A billionaire" she replied, ---------------------------------------------------------- Marriage is the triumph of imagination overintelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope overexperience. ---------------------------------------------------------- It's not true that married men live longer than singlemen.It only seems longer. ---------------------------------------------------------- Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it wasalmostimpossible. ------------------------------------------------------ A successful man is one who makes more money than hiswifecan spend. A successful woman is one who can find sucha man. ---------------------------------------------------------- A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can askforwhatever he wants, But his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.The man thinks for a moment and says,"Okay, give me amillion dollars and beat me till I'm half dead." --------------------------------------------------------- Men who have pierced ears are better prepared formarriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. ---------------------------------------------------------- The most effective way to remember your wife'sbirthday isto forget it once. ---------------------------------------------------------- First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive
The Difference between Focusing on Problems and Focusing on Solutions
When NASA began the launch of astronauts into space, they found out
That the pens wouldn't work at zero gravity (ink won't flow down to the writing surface). To solve this problem, it took them one decade and $12 million.
They developed a pen that worked at zero gravity, upside down, underwater, in practically any surface including crystal and in a temperature range from below freezing to over 300 degrees C.
And what did the Russians do...?? They used a pencil.
One of the most memorable case studies on Japanese management was the case of the empty soap box, which happened in one of Japan's biggest cosmetics companies. The company received a complaint that a consumer had bought a soap box that was empty. Immediately the authorities isolated the problem to the assembly line, which transported all the packaged boxes of soap to the delivery department. For some reason, one soap box went through the assembly line empty. Management asked its engineers to solve the problem.
Post-haste, the engineers worked hard to devise an X-ray machine with high-resolution monitors manned by two people to watch all the soap boxes that passed through the line to make sure they were not empty. No doubt, they worked hard and they worked fast but they spent a whoopee amount to do so.
But when a rank-and-file employee in a small company was posed with the same problem, he did not get into complications of X-rays, etc., but instead came out with another solution. He bought a strong industrial electric fan and pointed it at the assembly line. He switched the fan on, and as each soap box passed the fan, it simply blew the empty boxes out of the line.
Always look for simple solutions. Devise the simplest possible solution that solves the problems.
Manliness Test > > 1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as: > > A. Lovemaking > B. Screwing > C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town. > > 2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've > both shared: > > A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship. > B. Your blood-test results. > C. Five tequila slammers. > > 3. You time your orgasm so that: > > A. Your partner climaxes first. > B. You both climax simultaneously > C. You don't miss ESPN Sportsdesk. > > 4. Making love on the kitchen floor is : > > A. Healthy, creative love-play. > B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to. > C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend ever needs to discover. > > 5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you just had sex with is: > > A. The best part of the experience. > B. The second best part of the experience. > C. $100 extra. > > 6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. > You tell her that it is: > > A. No big concern of yours. > B. Not a problem, she can join your gym. > C. A conservative estimate. > > 7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is: > > A. A myth > B. An oxymoron > C. A moron > > 8. Foreplay is to sex as: > > A. Appetizer is to entree. > B. Primer is to paint. > C. A long line is to an amusement park ride. > > 9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at > the > end of a relationship? > > A. "I hope we can still be friends." > B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep." > C. "Welcome to Dumpsville, baby... population: YOU." > > 10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate: > > A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sortof > intimacy. > B. Probably Is too uptight and a waste of your time. > C. Probably shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place. > > > Scoring Guide: > If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you > really are a man. > > If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're alittle > confused. > > If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!!" > > > > >
SCJP1.4--91%<br />IBM 399
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