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20 lines that guarantee no one will sit next to you on the bus

 
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1. "Yeah, I really miss my wife but at least I have her skin to remember her by.
2. "Have you ever tried cat meat?"
3. "I just got out of prison. I'll bet the kids at the playground really miss me."
4. "Check out this infected cancer sore in my mouth."
5. "I don't know why I ate it - liver and onions always gives me gas."
6. "The last time my head rang like this I woke up with a dead man next to me."
7. "Hey, could I borrow a tampon?"
8. "My bum reeeally itches."
9. "Would you look at the size of the hair I just yanked out of my nose?"
10. "The last guy who ignored me is still on a respirator."
11. "Would you hold this messy tissue for me?"
12. "I haven't changed my underwear in over two weeks. How about you?"
13. "My mother just told me we can't sleep together anymore."
14. "Wow, look at that little boy in the third row!"
15. "Can you believe they only gave me three years for killing my own sister?"
16. "Hey, does your urine ever turn blue?"
17. "If I go unconscious just stick your finger down my throat - that'll wake me up."
18. "Did I tell you Charles Manson's my uncle?"
19. "You know, these days a man can't hang out with a seven-year- old boy without being ridiculed by his peers."
20. "Hey, if me and my wife get divorced, are we still legally brother and sister?"
 
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