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The Proxy Father

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The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has
recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy
Fathers." Under the government plan, any married woman who is
unable to become pregnant through the first five years of her
marriage may request the service of a proxy father; a government
employee who attempts to solve the couple's problem by
impregnating the wife.
The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father
is due to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The
government man should be here soon." Moments later a door-to-door
baby photographer rings the bell................

Ms Smith: "Good morning." Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You
don't know me, but I've come to....." Ms Smith: "No need to
explain, I've been expecting you."
Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies,
especially twins."
Ms Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come
in and have a seat."
Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the
Ms Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree
this is the right thing to do."
Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."
Ms Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"
Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the
bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed.
Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to really
spread out.
Ms Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't
worked for Harry and me."
Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one
every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot from six
or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results. In
fact, my business card says, 'I aim to please.'"
Ms Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"
Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and
take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but
you'd be disappointed with that."
Ms Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?"
Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures)
"Just look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top
of a bus in downtown London."
Ms Smith: "Oh, my!!"
Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town.
They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother
was so difficult to work with."
Ms Smith: "She was?"
Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to
Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked under such
impossible conditions. People were crowding around four and five
deep, pushing to get a good look."
Ms Smith: "Four and five deep?"
Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother
got so excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling
at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid I had to ask a
couple of men restrain her. By that time darkness was approaching
and I began to rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling
on my equipment I just packed it all in."
Ms Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh..,
Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I
consider my work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my
patented technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the
front window of a big department store."
Ms Smith: "I just can't believe it."
Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod
so that we can get to work."
Ms Smith: "TRIPOD?!?"
Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment
on. It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm
shooting. Ms Smith?...Ms Smith?...My word, she's fainted!"


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