Pearls of wisdom from George Carlin 1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. 3. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? 4. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 6. What if there were no hypothetical questions? 7. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 8. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong? 9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? 10. Is there another word for synonym? 11. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? 12. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" 13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? 14. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk? 16. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? 17. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 18. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? 19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? 20. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 21. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? 22. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? 23. What was the best thing before sliced bread? 24. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. 25. Does the Little Mermaid wear an alge-bra? 26. How is it possible to have a civil war? 27. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too? 28. If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry? 29. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 30. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "S" in it? 31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? 32. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? 33. Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket? 34. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole darn airplane made out of that stuff? 35. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? 36. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
Haha... I've been watching the Weekly George Carlin speciasl on Bravo and I just get a hoot out of his one liners.
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posted 18 years ago
some Steven Wright one liners... - Can atheists get insurance for acts of God? - Does fuzzy logic tickle? - I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions. - Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? - What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? - I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it. - Is "tired old cliche" one? - Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? - Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
More from Steve Wright: I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now. I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours" He said, "Yes, but not in a row" I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again. While I was gone, someone stole everything in my apartment and replaced it with an exact replica. When I told my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?" I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious! In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out" On the ceilings in my house, I have paintings of the rooms above so I never have to go upstairs. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire area was missing. I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night. Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world. When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep well?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes" I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information" I said, "I can't find my socks" She said, "They're behind the couch" I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish. I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window. When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually. Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time. I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. What's another word for Thesaurus? After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in? I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world...perhaps you've seen it. I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. Today I dialed a wrong number. The other side said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?" They said, "Uh, I don't think so...He's only two months old" I said, "I'll wait" Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and...ooooohhhhhh, that's much better. I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from all the statues in all the other museums. I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head.