- you live in Texas but vacation in Minnesota in January. - you have friends who schedule their wedding in the middle of January without a thought about weather conditions. - you consider a six inch snowfall a blessing for "the cities" because it provides instant urban renewal. - you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping the food will swim by. - you keep the snow tires on your truck all year because it ain't worth taking them off for only two months. - you are proud that your state makes the national news 96 nights each year because International Falls is the coldest spot in the nation. - you like to come in out of the sun when the temperature gets above 72. - your local Dairy Queen is closed from December through February. - you instinctively walk like a penguin for three months out of the year. - you believe the only REAL vehicles have skis in front and a loud motor under your seat. - you have a nickname for your chain saw and you pat it on the fuel tank at the end of a hard day's sawing. - you like the Winter Olympics better than the Summer Olympics. - you consider snow banks to be "just another rough" on the golf course. - you have no "spring" sports season. - you have ever worn shorts and a parka at the same time. - you were delighted to get a miniature snow shovel for your 3rd birthday. - your birthday was in April, and you still got to use the shovel right away. - every January, from age 2 to 13, you let your older siblings talk you into putting your tongue on a steel post. - you never had to rewind any part of "Fargo" because you missed some of the dialogue. - your town isn't trying to be ironic when it plans a "winter carnival." - you always believed that vacation meant "going up north." - the temperature in March is above freezing for three days in a row, and you think it's summer. - you laugh out loud every time you see a news report about a blizzard shutting down the entire east coast. - the first time you saw "Grumpy Old Men" you thought it was a documentary. - your favorite sport when it's cold outside is played where it's cold inside. - you can recite, from memory, more than a half-dozen "Ole and Lena" jokes (If you can't, then turn your volume down & click here). - you believe that bitter cold, a slippery surface and speed go together in a sport and on the Interstate. - you decided to have a picnic this summer because it fell on a weekend. - you remember going Trick-or-Treating in 3 feet of snow. - you get mad at people who think Fargo is in Minnesota, and for the last time, there is a Rochester in Minnesota! - you think happiness is owning a "piece of lakeshore." PS. Yes, I am a Minnesotan; the weather's turning cooler, and the leaves, brighter!
> YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM ILLINOIS IF: > > 1. You've never met any celebrities. > 2. "Vacation" means going to Six Flags. > 3. You measure distance in minutes. > 4. Your school classes were canceled because > of cold. > 5. Your school classes were canceled because > of heat. > 6. You've never had to switch from "heat" to > "A/C" in the same day. > 7. You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of > July. > 8. You see a car running in the parking lot > at the store with no one in > it no matter what time of year. > 9. You end your sentences with an unnecessary > preposition. > Example: "Where's my coat at?" or "If you > go to town I want to > go with." > 10. You install security lights on your house > and garage and leave > both unlocked. > 11. You think of the major four food groups as > beef,pork, beer, > and Jell-o salad with marshmallows. > 12. You carry jumper cables in your car. > 13. You only own 3 spices: salt, pepper and > ketchup. > 14. You design your kid's Halloween costume to > fit over a > snowsuit. > 15. Driving is better in the winter because > the potholes > are filled with snow. > 16. You think everyone from a bigger city has > an accent. > 17. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and > a flannel > nightie. > 18. The local paper covers national and > international > headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for > sports. > 19. You know all four seasons: Almost winter, > winter, > still winter and construction. > 20. You know if another Illinoisian is from > southern, > middle or northern Illinois as soon as they open > their mouth. > 21. There is a Dairy Queen in every town with > a population > of 1000 or more. > 22. You actually get these jokes
"JavaRanch, where the deer and the Certified play" - David O'Meara
money grubbing section goes here:
SKIP - a book about connecting industrious people with elderly land owners