Cow Theory

[Cindy Glass]

WHAT MAKES......
A CHRISTIAN:
You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
A SOCIALIST:
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your
neighbor.
A REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
A DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being
successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you
to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then
take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel
righteous.

A COMMUNIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with
milk.
A FASCIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk.
You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to
sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which
was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of
cows.(eeeeeeeeeeHA!)
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the
other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one and force the Other to produce the milk
of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of
an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat
once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for
lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You
count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn
you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A MEXICAN CORPORATION:
You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like.
You take a nap.
A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing
them for others.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American
corporation.
Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares
bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You revere them too much to milk them.
A JAVARANCH WEBSITE:
You have two cows. But no one pays any attention to them because they are too busy talking about the moose.

[This message has been edited by Cindy Glass (edited October 26, 2001).]

[Anonymous]

NAZISM:
You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.

[Howard Ralston]

Southerners
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none.
You both get drunk watching WWF, go outside and
"rassle" the cows until they come home.

[Guy Allard]

Howard - You fergot about howlin' at the moon and shootin' out the lights first .....

Guy

[Nanhesru Ningyake]

Speaking of cows, the title of this book makes me really Sacred Cows Make the Best Burgers

[This message has been edited by Nanhesru Ningyake (edited October 27, 2001).]

[Cindy Glass]

NN,
I don't think that they are meaning that literally. In the US business place the term "Sacred Cow" is used to mean any person or process that has some special protection from on high, and is therefore not allowed to be questioned or modified or touched. As a rule these are the very things that SHOULD be questioned or modified - IF you are brave enough to face the wrath from on high. Therefore the title implies that going after those things is the best thing to do.

[Ashik Uzzaman]

A POLITICIAN
You have two cows and know that your neighbour is one from opposition party who has no cow. You feed one cow poison in a night and hand over your neighbour to the police that he has killed your one cow. You now milk the other cow...
------------------
Muhammad Ashikuzzaman (Fahim)
Sun Certified Programmer for the Java� 2 Platform
--When you learn something, learn it by heart!
[This message has been edited by Ashik uzzaman (edited October 28, 2001).]

[Amitabh Sharma]

Monkey Theory:
$ 40,000 monkey - can code in C++
$ 60,000 monkey - can code in Java
$ 100,000 monkey - consulatant. cannot code but thinks he can.

[Howard Ralston]

More Southern Cows
You have one cow, your neighbor has none. He talks you into feeding the cow Hershey bars in the hopes of getting chocolate milk.
To your surprise, it worked. The only bad part is having to spit out the almonds.

[Nanhesru Ningyake]

>I don't think that they are meaning that literally
Of course, Cindy - I just don't like associating cows with burgers, or McDonald's fries for that matter

[This message has been edited by Nanhesru Ningyake (edited October 30, 2001).]

[Michael Ernest]

Rational Methodology
The three of you agree that you have two cows, but spend years fighting over the best way to describe how the dairy industry should use them. You form an international committee to resolve the matter. They develop a standard which you reject in favor of one the three of you have been secretly working on all along. Eventually, you each write a book about the best way to use the common model, each of which appears awfully similar to your original methodologies. Along comes a nobody who writes a distillation of your several thousand pages of work. It is instantly the best-selling book on the subject.
[This message has been edited by Michael Ernest (edited October 30, 2001).]

[David O'Meara]

An Australian
You have 2 cows. You have 2 barbies.

[Sera N. Dippity]

Waht is a barbie?

[David O'Meara]

BBQ
I was thinking that might cause some confusion, but the number of times I've had to ask the Americans what "Nnn" means...

[paul wheaton]

Originally posted by Sera N. Dippity:
Waht is a barbie?

A piece of plastic with little plastic boobies. I guess Australians are nuts for 'em.

[Michael Morris]

Originally posted by Howard Ralston:
More Southern Cows
You have one cow, your neighbor has none. He talks you into feeding the cow Hershey bars in the hopes of getting chocolate milk.
To your surprise, it worked. The only bad part is having to spit out the almonds.

Being a Southern American I'm feeling oppressed by Howard. I don't think Jesus or the Buddha would approve of such conduct.

[Michael Morris]

Originally posted by Michael Ernest:
Rational Methodology
The three of you agree that you have two cows, but spend years fighting over the best way to describe how the dairy industry should use them. You form an international committee to resolve the matter. They develop a standard which you reject in favor of one the three of you have been secretly working on all along. Eventually, you each write a book about the best way to use the common model, each of which appears awfully similar to your original methodologies. Along comes a nobody who writes a distillation of your several thousand pages of work. It is instantly the best-selling book on the subject.
[This message has been edited by Michael Ernest (edited October 30, 2001).]

[Bhau Mhatre]

Originally posted by Michael Ernest:
Rational Methodology
The three of you agree that you have two cows, but spend years fighting over the best way to describe how the dairy industry should use them. You form an international committee to resolve the matter. They develop a standard which you reject in favor of one the three of you have been secretly working on all along. Eventually, you each write a book about the best way to use the common model, each of which appears awfully similar to your original methodologies. Along comes a nobody who writes a distillation of your several thousand pages of work. It is instantly the best-selling book on the subject.
[This message has been edited by Michael Ernest (edited October 30, 2001).]

Then you also come up with a pumping tool that forces others to milk the cows according your so called unified pumping process that has a very bad graphical ergonomics. Then you make a lot of noise and hype about the pump and eventually sell it along with the cows and your souls to some giant dairy.

[Michael Morris]

Originally posted by Mumbai cha bhau:

Then you also come up with a pumping tool that forces others to milk the cows according your so called unified pumping process that has a very bad graphical ergonomics. Then you make a lot of noise and hype about the pump and eventually sell it along with the cows and your souls to some giant dairy.

Worst of all the pumping machine trashes your cows by putting nonsensical comments on their udders and makes the milk difficult to process.

[Thomas Paul]

Originally posted by Nanhesru Ningyake:
>I don't think that they are meaning that literally
Of course, Cindy - I just don't like associating cows with burgers, or McDonald's fries for that matter.

Hmmmm.... McDonald's! Time for lunch. Think I'll have a Big Mac!

[gautham kasinath]

A Conservative indian
You have two cows, black and white, you hide one in your house, the other you deposit in a bank, or entrust it to someone who promises the cow will yeild diamonds for dung, say a *chit fund*.
For the investment of the cow with the bank or ( most usu. the person ) *chit fund*, the government charges you heavy tax, the bank/chit fund, charges you maintennance cost ( because the minimum to entrust is two cows ).
Moreso, the Income Tax slueths findout that you have another cow ( black cow, like black money ), hidden. So put you behind bars.
Now, you use this black cow to trade your release.. and the whole thing is hushed up.. but not before the bank/chit fund, denies you had entrusted a white cow..
cheers
Lupo