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chess nuts roasting on an open fire

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> "Wildest Christmas Dinner!"
> This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville
> Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest
> Christmas dinner. It won first prize.
> "Christmas with Louise" As a joke, my brother used
> to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace
> before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for
> Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa
> checking the list twice must be true because every
> Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings
> were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly
> empty.
> One year I decided to make his dream come true. I
> put on sunglasses and went in search of an
> inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things
> at Wal-Mart.
> I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If
> you've never been in a X-rated store, don't go.
> You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour
> saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're
> kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made
> it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a
> standard, uncomplicated doll that could also
> substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use
> the car pool lane during rush hour.
> Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come
> in many different models. The top of the line,
> according to the side of the box, could do things
> I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I
> settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom
> of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a
> huge leap of imagination.
> On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle
> pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in
> on the plan and let me in during the wee morning
> hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled
> the dangling
> pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I
> also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a
> glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and
> giggled for a couple of hours.
> The next morning my brother called to say that Santa
> had been to his house and left a present that had
> made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused.
> She would bark, start to walk away, then come back
> and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should
> remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family
> could admire her when they came over for the
> traditional Christmas dinner.
> My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked
> in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My
> brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would
> play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I
> had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth
> shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
> "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said,
> trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny
> was relentless.
> "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could
> have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and
> no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance
> saying, "Hang on Granny Hang on!"
> My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor
> eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the
> naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was
> Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa
> by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking,
> but actually flirting. It was then that we realized
> this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
> The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk
> about who had died, who was dying, and who should be
> killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that
> sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the
> morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew
> around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front
> of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry
> sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the
> room, fell to his knees, and began administering
> mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back
> over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw
> down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in
> the car.
> It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
> Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a
> thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's
> collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered
> from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
> Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct
> tape, we restored her to perfect health.
> Louise went on to star in several bachelor party
> movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he
> can get out of the house.
Ranch Hand
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Nice article! But where is any kinda chess here?
"The Hood"
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The song is actually "Chestnuts roasting by an open fire", but I believe that the alteration was done to highlight the "nuts" part - as in crazies.
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