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engineer jokes

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These jokes are shamelessly stolen from a mailing list I'm on. Since there was not copyright message, I've decided to claim that I wrote these jokes.

Comprehending Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
“Where did you get such a great bike?” The second engineer replied,
“Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a
beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the
ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.” The
second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably
wouldn’t have fit.”

Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass
is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs
to be.

Comprehending Engineers - Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
pparticularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with
these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!” The doctor
chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude! “The
pastor said, “Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let’s have a word with
him.” [dramatic pause] “Hi George. Say, what’s with that group ahead
of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”The greenskeeper replied,
“Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight
saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play
for free anytime.”
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, “That’s so sad. I
think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. The doctor said,
“Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see
if there’s anything he can do for them.”The engineer said, “Why can’t
these guys play at night?”

Comprehending Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

Comprehending Engineers - Take Five
The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?”
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

Comprehending Engineers - Take Six
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said
he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an
enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his
mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The
engineer said, “I like both.” “Both?” Engineer: “Yeah. If you have a
wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with
the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.”

Comprehending Engineers - Take Seven
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him
and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess”. He
bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke
up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful
princess, I will stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the
frogout of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The
frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,
I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.” Again the engineer took
the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally,
the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful
princess,that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want.
Why won’t you kiss me?” The engineer said, “Look I’m an engineer. I
don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s
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this is one the dean of my college said during graduation -->
Three engineers and three lawyers go to Philadelhpias 30th street station on their way to conferences in Washington DC.
The three lawyers go by a ticket each, and they notice that the engineers only buy 1 ticket for the 3 of them. On their way down to DC, the conductor enters the car and the three engineers go jam themselves into the bathroom -- as the conductor comes buy he asks "Ticket please!" and one hand comes out of the bathroom and hand the conductor the ticket.
The lawyers are quite intrigued... so on their way back to Philly -- they only buy one ticket. They don't notice that the engineers don't buy any. This time when the conductor enters the car the three lawyers jam themselves into the bathroom, and one of the engineers goes up to the door and asks "Ticket please!"
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this is an old one i heard about software engineer!
now it sounds better in hebrew and excuse my poor english but ill do my best:
a guy walks into a pet store that speacializes in smart monkeys .
first he goes to the saler and he sees a moneky sitting next to a computer and typing real fast.
he asks the seller what this moneky is for? the saler replies: "oh this is a monkey that can program in assembler and C ! he costs 1000$" .
the man nods and continues to the next monkey which sits at a computer too typing really really fast.
"what does this moneky do?"
the saler replies: " oh this money costs 2000$ cause it programs in c++ and c# really fast with no bugs (as far as microsoft goes)."
"wow!" says the guy. he continues to walk and sees another monkey sitting blindfolded near another computer typing also extremly fast!
"what does this one do ?"asks the man.
"well, this one can program blindfolded with no mistakes at all in java! and he knows xml stuff too. "
"how much does he cost?" asks the man.
"oh hes expensive, he costs 5000$! " replies the saler.
"wow thats a lot" says the man , when he suddenly notices a monkey sitting at one corner of the room , doing nothing except of eating and scratching its head.
"how much does that monkey cost?" asks the man.
"oh, that one is really expensive! it costs 1 million dollars! " says the saler.
"WHAT! why so much? this one doesnt do anything excpet scratching its head and eating!!! " shouts the man.
"i know" replies the saler ... "he is the software engineer".
[ May 01, 2002: Message edited by: Roy Ben Ami ]
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Hey, you don't know how sorry I must've feel for myself.....
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I've read some of these as far back as the January 1995 edition of Reader's Digest
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When I first heard this one while studying programming, I felt it summed up my life...
A Mechanical, an Electrical and a Software Engineer are driving down the road when the car stops for no reason.
The Mechanical Engineer says "The motor's dead, we better have a look at it"
The Electrical Engineer says "The battery is dead, we have to replace it"
The Software Engineer says "Maybe if we get out and get back in again..."
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