(Cut & Paste from some other forum, as usual ) Jesus, Are You There? A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the Minister. The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes sir, I am." The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked. "No, I didn't!" said the drunk. The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?" "No, I did not!" said the drunk again. Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and demands, "For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!" The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Q. What's the Pope's worst nightmare? A. "Your eminence, I have good news and bad news. The good news is, God has come to earth to pronounce His judgment; he's on the phone waiting to talk to you right now. The bad news is, he's calling collect from Salt Lake City."
A Lutheran minister lived in a house right next to a Catholic Priest. They used to sit out on their porches in the evenings enjoying the sounds of the neighborhood. One day a small boy comes by with a wagonload of small kittens. He goes to the Priest's house and asks if he will buy a kitten. "No . . No" says the Priest. "I really don't need a kitten". The little boy says "But these are CATHOLIC kittens Father". So of course the Priest breaks down and buys a kitten. About a week later the same little boy comes down the street with his wagonload of the rest of the kittens. This time he goes to the house of the Lutheran Minister and asks if he will buy a kitten. "No . . No" says the Minister. "I really don't need a kitten". The little boy says "But these are LUTHERAN kittens!!". "Wait a minute!" says the minister. "Just last week you told the Father that they were Catholic kittens". "Yes" says the little boy. "But since then they have opened their eyes".
"JavaRanch, where the deer and the Certified play" - David O'Meara
posted 17 years ago
Another one! God's Email One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of his best angels and sent the angel to Earth for a while. When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good. Well, he thought for a moment and thought maybe he'd better send down a second angel to get another point of view. So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and told him "Yes, the Earth is in decline. 95% is bad and 5% is good." God said this was not good. So he decided to send e-mail to the 5% that were good. He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going. . . . Do you know what that e-mail said? . . . . . Oh, you didn't get one either, huh? Bummer.