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One Liner Joke

 
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Why did they invent whiskey?
To keep the Irish from conquering the world.
 
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wow this is scary...i came here to start a thread called favorite one-liners!!!
anyway i like this one i heard on "that 70's show"
what did you have for breakfast? Carnation Instant Bitch?
 
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Two surds were playing chess.
 
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An Opel Manta is parked in front of the University.
 
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My sister's kid once asked me the same questien.he asked me "If we go to heaven,can we drink whiskey?." i said "ofcource u can".then he said."so why cant we drink now?.if whiskey is drinkable in heaven and god itself provide it from heaven,what is wrong with drinking it now?".i stopped a little and answered to the kid."god invented whiskey because god want to show you that comforts like whiskey is availeable in heaven.but do not drink it now".i've escaped from the kid but i could'nt escape from myself.
 
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A horse walks into a bar & the bartender asks him, "Why the long face?"
 
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Man walks into a bar. He says "Ouch!". It was an iron bar.
 
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A: "Dark here ain't it?".
B: "Dunno, can't see...".
 
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A: "My dog's got no nose".
B: "How does he smell?!".
A: "Well, he can't ... he's got no nose...".
 
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nice site for jokes ..even my cat loves it
http://www.santabanta.com/
 
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as some of you know i'm having a crack at some stand-up on the London Comedy Circuit. My jokes are rubbish though.
Hwoever, my current favourite in London right now is a Pun-Meister called Gary Delaney, who penned these little gems.
Imagine these being told in a VERY deadpan style.
Winnie the Pooh .... Possibly the most vindictive chapter in Nelson Mandela's autobiography.
I met a man the other day who reminded me of my dad.... he said "Don't forget your dad".
I used to go out with a pink mouse who lived on the moon but we split up ... I think I dropped a clanger. Not sure if non-UK people would get that one
I annoy my Israeli flatmate by giving him all of the mail address to "The Occupier".
I once wrote a book on hedgehogs ... paper would have been easier.

[ June 11, 2003: Message edited by: Angela Poynton ]
 
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Originally posted by Angela Poynton:
as some of you know i'm having a crack at some stand-up on the London Comedy Circuit. My jokes are rubbish though.
Hwoever, my current favourite in London right now is a Pun-Meister called Gary Delaney, who penned these little gems.
Imagine these being told in a VERY deadpan style.
Winnie the Pooh .... Possibly the most vindictive chapter in Nelson Mandela's autobiography.
I met a man the other day who reminded me of my dad.... he said "Don't forget your dad".
I used to go out with a pink mouse who lived on the moon but we split up ... I think I dropped a clanger. Not sure if non-UK people would get that one
I annoy my Israeli flatmate by giving him all of the mail address to "The Occupier".
I once wrote a book on hedgehogs ... paper would have been easier.

[ June 11, 2003: Message edited by: Angela Poynton ]


I sense a bit of Steven Wright in your humor. I love Steven Wright.
 
Michael Morris
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I used to go out with a pink mouse who lived on the moon but we split up ... I think I dropped a clanger. Not sure if non-UK people would get that one
Ok Angela, you have to explain it to the Texan.
 
Angela Poynton
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Originally posted by Gregg Bolinger:

I sense a bit of Steven Wright in your humor. I love Steven Wright.



Well they aren't MY gags, but I think they're hilarious.
My stand-up isn't one-liners, I'm not clever enough to do them. I'm more chatty.
e.g. - Men famously mentally undress women they find attractive, it's a way of confirming in their own minds that the woman really is attractive.
A little known fact though is that women mentally undress men for the same reasons.
There's a problem with that though, we can't leave it there because the naked male form isn't attractive ever! The naked male form is hilarious! So if we left it there procreation would stop because women all over the world would be laughing and Dolphins would rule the earth. This was bad so the women of the world got together and had a conference to address the issue .... ok it was more of a coffee morning but we decided to add an extra step.
So now, we mentally undress a man ....
then very quickly mentally redress them in the clothes we would make them wear if they were our boyfriend.
 
Angela Poynton
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Originally posted by Michael Morris:
I used to go out with a pink mouse who lived on the moon but we split up ... I think I dropped a clanger. Not sure if non-UK people would get that one
Ok Angela, you have to explain it to the Texan.


This should help!
 
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Are 'Clangers' related to The Tick?
 
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Alvanley - who's your fat friend? [and the friend was the prince regent]
The English country gentleman galloping after a fox - the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable.
We have really everything in common with America nowadays, except, of course, language.
That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress [in answer to; "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease"]...

Clangers - I remember them - lol...

stand-up on the London Comedy Circuit


did you ever see this? Laughing Mattters
 
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A couple for the fairer sex:

A woman is common. Common as a loaf of bread. And like a loaf of bread, we shall rise.

A man is like a pack of cards - you need a heart to love him, a diamond to marry him, a club to beat his ****ing head in, and a spade to bury him.
  - Jack Dee (apparently his grandmother's)


Dorothy Parker:

Brevity is the soul of lingerie.

The woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them.

(about Katherine Hepburn) She ran the gamut of emotion from A to B.


My favourite film quote:

Excuse me officer. There appear to be too many bullets in this gun...


Winston
 
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Peter Rooke wrote:That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress [in answer to; "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease"]


With Churchill the earlier conversation is redundant: "Madam, we've already established that. Now we are haggling about the priceā€
 
Winston Gutkowski
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A man can sleep around, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp. - Joan Rivers

You girls are hard on each other.

Winston
 
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I remember the last words my pappy said to me before he died. He said "Son...."

(death-rattle)

Winston
 
Don't get me started about those stupid light bulbs.
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