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Talking about illness and death

 
Leverager of our synergies
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I am reading a book, which is all about helping people to talk about illness � serious illness, possibly lethal, like cancer. The author�s main point is: �let�s talk about it�. I am interested, because in my family it�s been different. My grandmother died from cancer. We visited her often when I was a teenager, and what I remember, that she never talked about her illness and she never complained. Later I was told she suffered from pain so much that even drugs did not help. Yet I never heard a word of complain from her.

My mother apparently learnt this thing from her, or perhaps it�s in genes, I don�t know. When I was about 20, she went through a surgery that she painted to me as such a little thing, that it didn�t even occur to me to worry. That I was 20 years old idiot helped also, I guess� Later I overheard that she told my father in which clothes to burry her, in case of a bad result. It was like a whack on the head � if it was so serious, why you didn�t tell me?

Now we live on different sides of the globe, which makes not talking much easier. Last year she had a cataract surgery, and she didn�t say a word to me. I just didn�t get any e-mail from her for a week, and when I asked my father why, he told me about her surgery. Otherwise I would probably never know.

I am a bit concerned that when I will have a daughter I will do the same. Because I learnt this thing from them, or maybe it�s in genes. Or maybe, it�s really the best thing you can do. I tried � twice � talking to people I love about something that really hurt me, and in both cases I regretted. If people can�t help you, you only make them suffer for no good reason. I won�t do it again.

Back to talking about illness and death� Several years ago, my Chilean friend�s parents visited her, and she invited my to a party. I couldn�t say a word in Spanish, so when I met her parents, we just shacked hands and looked at each other. There wasn�t much else we could do, yet the experience was so intense, that I started to doubt power of words. Should everything be said? Why? An average human being is pretty much incapable of expressing herself in words, and when you keep silence, you are a genius.

I learnt to respect my grandmother�s and my mother�s not talking about their illness, especially after I accustomed myself with an average mode of talking about it, which is whining, whining, some more whining, endless whining. My grandmother died as a genius, my mother will do even better (she is preparing), and I don�t see a good reason why I shouldn�t do the same. Unless I am sure I can find words that will make me more than a genius, the best thing is to die silently.
 
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My wife's (Russian Jewish) family talks a lot about their illnesses. My (New England Yankee) family is stoic. It's definitely a cultural/family thing.
 
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Definitely cultural.
 
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I don�t know about others, but when I get ill I don�t like telling people. Even people close to me. Its just that sometimes they talk about it to other people and I don�t like it. It is something personal and I certainly don�t want to talk about it to anyone who bumps into me.
 
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