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Need job

 
Author
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I need a job. Tell me what I must do to get a job.
 
Rancher
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Try to make a good impression in the interview. In case you forgot, you've got one scheduled for tomorrow.
 
Greenhorn
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Some interview advice:

Be late � all good programmers are always late. Or turn up on time, but in the wrong building or office.

Wear bright uncorrelated clothing. Also make sure you are wearing an offensive t-shirt.

Don�t do any written tests, instead draw pictures. Better if these can be offensive and rude.

Answer open questions with one word answers, and answer closed questions by babbling on for long periods about irreverent subjects. Always try to make the interviewer feel as if they are wasting your time, with such stupid questions. Be rude and try to offend the interviewer(s).

Misinterpret any questions that are asked, blame the interviewer for any stupid answers that you give.

Try your best to be confrontational (shows that you are keen), argue about technologies and disagree with any question. If you do well � you should be able to escalate this into a physical fight.

Either shout your answers, or talk too quietly. Best approach is to mix both techniques. Try to speak in a false foreign accent � or pick a person you admire and impersonate them. Better if you impersonate on the interviewers � even ask them the same questions back.

Make sure you are suitability drunk beforehand. Take a drink into the interview � and of course offer the interviewer a drink. Try to spill the liquid over the interviewer.

Smoke � light up while waiting in the reception, and chain smoke thought out the interview. Put out burring cigarettes using the furniture.

Lie � pretend that you have done things that you have not. Make sure your lies are unbelievable (as should your CV be) � for example: pretend that you were an astronaut in your previous role.

Watch out for the �where do you see yourself in a few years time� question. Say something like, well doing your job � as it sounds like you are clueless and should be sacked.

If driving to the location, park in the most important reserved parking bay. Or block the main entrance with your vehicle.

During a telephone interview � make sure there is a lot of loud noise in the background, and keep hanging up � shows that you are busy.
And finally �if you get the job (which will not happen) � don�t turn up on your start date.
 
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