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humor: driving in NY

 
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Got this as an e-mail forward:

Sharon: If you are driving to Vermont from New York City, don't follow these instructions!
--------------------------------

Subject: How to Drive in NY

THIS IS RELATED TO N.Y. CITY, NOT THE REST OF THE STATE.


Ah, New York.....no other place like it on God's green earth!

*How to Drive in NY*

There are only two things needed to drive effectively in NY:


A horn and a middle finger. Everything else is superfluous, including knowing where you are going.

For those of you who live in New York or have lived there, these things may come as no surprise.

For those who have not traveled there before, Beware, Be Prepared and Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid.


1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is Newyawk, not New-York. Also, Manhattan is not pronounced Manhattan, it is Manhatt-in

2. The morning rush hour is from 5 AM to NOON. The evening rush hour is from NOON to 7 PM. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on the Major Deegan is 85 mph. On the Belt Parkway it is 105 or 110. Anything less is considered "Sissy."

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. New York has its own version of traffic rules.
For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second; However, in Staten Island and Queens, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. EVER ! Seriously. It is another offense that can get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of New York .. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, rats, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, rubber-neckers, shredded tires, cell-phoners, and other road kill, and the homeless feeding on any of these items.

9. Map Quest does NOT work here. None of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they go. All the Bridge E-Z Pass lanes are moved each night to make your ride more exciting. (100% TRUE, ODDLY!)

10. If someone actually has their Turn Signal ON, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated." (This is more of a Florida rule)

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly. If you return the flip, you will be shot.

12. Do not try to estimate travel time. Leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday appointments, and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.

DRIVE SAFELY !!!
 
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Haha The worst place I've seen yet was in China. Bikes coming from all over the place, taxis turning at crossroads ignoring people walking across the street... In China, the horn is your best friend. You use it even when you don't need to. (at least you won't get shot). The safest way is to get a bike and drive in the middle of the peloton.
 
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I drove around in New York multiple times, it was actually not that hard. Driving in for example Paris was much harder, with people going around the big roundabout around the Arc de Triomphe, coming onto and going off of the roundabout from all directions at the same time.

@Vikas Driving in India looks chaotic, but at least everything keeps moving!

I'm glad I go to work by train every day, the train takes about 50 minutes from Rotterdam to Amsterdam, by car the same trip takes more than 2 hours in the daily traffic jams. The Netherlands has far too many cars in a far too small country...
 
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Agree with Jesper, I didn't find NYC all that hard to drive, either (NYC meaning Manhattan, of course :-) Plenty of one-way streets, and mostly (above 14th St exclusively) rectangular street blocks - love it!

For drivers, I'd consider Bostonians worse, although with a bit of experience they're predictable - you have 0.5 secs to cut in, or to get started; if you take longer, the opening's gone or someone starts honking. And don't go slow, of course, that means you're getting in someone's way.

Paris is indeed much worse.
 
Vikas Kapoor
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Jesper Young wrote:Driving in India looks chaotic, but at least everything keeps moving!



- While driving we expect anything to come on road from anywhere and anytime. So everyone is well prepared. We do not have high *severe* accident rate either.

I do not have driving experience in NYC but all of my friend suggested me use public transportation if I plan to go there.
 
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Jeanne Boyarsky wrote:. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is Newyawk, not New-York. Also, Manhattan is not pronounced Manhattan, it is Manhatt-in



No, Manhattan is pronounced "The City"
The outer boroughs are not part of The City.

I have driven from NJ, through the Holland Tunnel, cross the island and gotten into Brooklyn in 30 minutes on a weekday at 5PM. I would have expected it to take many hours.

The rules left out an important rule related to driving and parking below the 30s or so: The sidewalks are part of the road. Cabs and service cars often drive on the sidewalks.
 
Pat Farrell
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Vikas Kapoor wrote: in NYC but all of my friend suggested me use public transportation if I plan to go there.



Always take public. The subway is very efficient. Taking a private car into The City is insane. If you look at folks who work in The City, they are all skinny, because everyone walks everywhere and there are stairs to and from the subway stations.
 
Jeanne Boyarsky
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Pat Farrell wrote:The outer boroughs are not part of The City.


Can I use that excuse when income tax time comes and I have to pay New York City taxes?
 
Pat Farrell
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Jeanne Boyarsky wrote:

Pat Farrell wrote:The outer boroughs are not part of The City.


Can I use that excuse when income tax time comes and I have to pay New York City taxes?



Not a prayer. The outer borough politicians need their money too.

If you live out there, you know that the Manhattan think that Staten Island is nearly as far away as Princeton NJ, right?
 
Jeanne Boyarsky
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Pat Farrell wrote:

Jeanne Boyarsky wrote:

Pat Farrell wrote:The outer boroughs are not part of The City.


Can I use that excuse when income tax time comes and I have to pay New York City taxes?



Not a prayer. The outer borough politicians need their money too.

If you live out there, you know that the Manhattan think that Staten Island is nearly as far away as Princeton NJ, right?


I don't live in Staten Island, but still in an outer borough.
 
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Jeanne Boyarsky wrote:

Pat Farrell wrote:The outer boroughs are not part of The City.


Can I use that excuse when income tax time comes and I have to pay New York City taxes?



For home owners, being in NYC, and paying the city tax is great. Because the city tax pays for many services, NYC real estate tax is much much cheaper than the real estate tax around NYC.

It is the renters that get ripped off...

Henry
 
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Horns weren't originally meant for "hey buddy, get out of my way" or "you are about to hit me, jackass". They were meant for "I'm about to pass you" or "I'm pulling out, excuse me please". They were actually a useful tool in the early days of driving and might still be in other parts of the world. But in the U.S. it's always used in a negative way.
 
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Gregg Bolinger wrote:But in the U.S. it's always used in a negative way.


Mmmm, not always, but usually. It also makes a difference whether you give a small tap on horn, or press it firmly several times. The former can be used as a gentle tap on the shoulder - as in, hey, sorry to bother you, but did you notice the light ahead has now turned green?
 
Vikas Kapoor
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+1. I have never seen unnecessary honking but I do not live in downtown. I think you gotta adopt/change driving based on place and situation.
 
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