What is it ?

[Mark Spencers]

I am 28 years old. I have never had a girl-friend, even acquaintance. I feel horrible these days. Sexy girls make me want to die.

I am in deep depression. I am scared to come up to girl. Many have boys, many had. Nobody loves me and I am hopeless.

I have no friends. I go to job and work a bit as a freelancer. No personal life.

Can you help me, if words can.

[Campbell Ritchie]

We were all very sorry to read this. I think there is probably nobody who has read it on this website who has any expertise in that sort of thing however, so I doubt whether anybody here would be able to help you. Sorry. We can only suggest you consult somebody near where you live. There are probably people whose job it is to give such advice.

[Henry Wong]

Agreed. Depression is *not* something to be taken lightly. I would also recommend seeking professional help, if at minimum, in order to get a diagnosis.

Henry

[Knute Snortum]

I have suffered from depression for 20 years.  Thankfully, mine is under control.

Please seek medical advice.  Prescriptions and counselling really helped me.  See your doctor right away.  Stick with the prescriptions for at least two weeks -- it often takes that long for them to be effective.

Please post back here so we can know how you're doing.

[Stephan van Hulst]

Knute Snortum wrote:Stick with the prescriptions for at least two weeks -- it often takes that long for them to be effective.

If you do get a prescription, I can't stress this enough. I had a very hard time getting through the first few weeks when I got a new prescription, suffering only from the adverse side-effects. After about two weeks it gets a lot better.

[Randy Maddocks]

Mark, the fact that you reached out is the first big step in finding help for yourself. Regardless of whether it's in person, or in a forum like this one, it takes a lot of courage to open up as you have done. As others here have sympathetically indicated, please, please seek professional help. There are so many resources out there that can provide you with the means to help you.

[paul wheaton]

I don't know if I have ever had any problems with depression, but I have had times in my life when I wasn't getting my stuff done.  And while there is a long list of little things that made a difference, here are the big three:


1:   when I was 21 or so, I figured out that consuming dairy made me lethargic.  

2:   about ten years ago, a doctor tested my b12 levels and said they were far too low.   It took many months, but it made a huge difference.

3:  about two years ago, I learned that "men of a certain age" tend to get a build of iron which makes you feel exhausted.   I started donating regularly and it cleared things up quite well.  I wrote about it here.  


As for friends:  participating in user group meetings and attending weekend workshops, or a class in the evening about my interests seemed to fill my plate pretty thoroughly in this department.  

[Tim Holloway]

It's probably no consolation, but I was about 25 and never had a date, a girlfriend, or even an indication that anyone eligible or attractive would ever have any interest in me. Then one day a girl called my roommate. He wasn't there and I was and we got to talking. Less than a year later we got married.

The problem with this sort of fairy-tale happy ending is that there's no guarantee when - or if - it can happen to you. You can do some things to help improve matters, although there's no quick, easy, or guaranteed cure.

One of the most important is to try and determine how much of your rotten feeling is because you have a good reason to feel rotten and how much is actually your brain chemistry screwing you over. It was many years before I discovered, for example, that tea gives me anxiety. Not caffeine, but specifically, tea - even decaffeinated tea. I mostly switched to coffee after that, but I'd grown up a tea-drinker.

Professional help is worth checking out. My experience is that psychologists are often very supportive. Around here, the psychiatrists are all crazier than I am, but local medical service structure requires a psychatrist or medicial doctor to prescribe anti-depressents, and unlike medical doctors, a psychiatrist is specifically familiar with the appropriate drugs as well as psychological treatment.

Going around depressed is like having an angry God's thumb pressed into your shoulders wherever you go. It's seeing the world through shit-colored glasses. Even the thought of doing things is exhausting. That's what things like anti-depressants are good for. They don't make you happy, but they take God's thumb off your back so that you can at least feel like trying. Being depressed is a lot like treading water with bricks tied to your shoes. You can do it, but it's tiring and the minute you stop trying, you start sinking. A good anti-depressant is like removing the bricks. You may still be in the water, but it's easier to float.

It's generally considered that Behavioral Therapy is one of the most effective treatments, but until I had the right drugs, I had too much internal resistance to be able to respond to suggestions. Once you get the weight off, then it's easier to take advice, and in fact, you're likely to want advice, since you've probably grown up feeling oppressed and depressed and actually have no idea how to behave normally.

One thing I've never seen said, but I'll state from my own experience is that there can be an obsessive side to depression. When you're depressed and you try something risky (like approaching a girl) and fail (and, unfortunately, girls are repelled by desperation), you end up replaying that failure over and over in your mind until it's very deeply embedded and just makes it worse to try again. One of the earlier, cruder medications I took actually broke that cycle by messing with my short-term memory. Essentially, you try, you fail, but you forget about how bad it felt, so it's easier to go on and eventually to try again (as opposed to go home and crawl under the bed and cry).



At the moment the science of the Mind is still very, very primitive. Only within about the last 30 years have we graduated from brute-force treatment to medications that can actually target specific brain chemistry problems, and we're a long way yet from being able to do a simple test and determine which drugs might be best for a specific person. You may have to go through several and unfortunately, some may have unpleasant side-effects.

I don't take anti-depressants any more, because since I got put on blood pressure medication, one of the side effects of that drug is as a mild anti-depressant itself (it also reduces baldness). I rarely drink tea. I'm never going to be Mr. Sociable, but at least I don't feel totally hopeless.

[Mark Spencers]

Thank you very much for such attention.

I get through depression by taking sedative. I think I am very angry, because I have no girl. This is like intrusive thought and I can't get rid of that. I also feel bad about my job in a supermarket.
My mother said: only unlucky people work there. After I told her that I am unlucky too, she said that I cling to words.

After reading all replies I am very glad. I do not visit psychologist because we don't have trustful psychologist. And he is probably expensive.
Depress for me is - bad, ill thoughts attack my brains. In such case I find best to phone my mother and tell her what tortures me.

I visited recently psychiatrist and he told me that I am ok. And he prescribed me pills for depression but for 2 months. This was too much I took them only for 1 month. They made no difference!!!

Another pain in my brain is videos where I saw girl (who I liked) doing sex. This makes me feel very bad. I can't get rid of these memories.

When I see a beautiful girl I feel inappropriate for her. When I see ugly one I feel hate.

As I live in  one-room flat only with my mother and do not earn big money I am afraid that I shall meet my girl-friend not soon. For few years I lived in this flat with my mother and stepfather who drank alcohol and earned little money.

In addition I am shy and even coward. My mother says I am unsure of yourself and do not make steps to find a girl.

When I was learning programming I didn't know how to earn  money. SoftServe didn't employ me and I was usual candidate into their IT academy. I was coding just to code.
Even worse people around me didn't take me seriously because they didn't know that programming is reality. But my fault was to be very nervous and and I kept my insult inside me. I disbelieved that I will ever earn something.
Add to this that my mother was my enemy and I cursed her as much as possible.
I was usual candidate for training classes in different IT companies. It lasted around 3 years.

I got through it because of pills which my mother secretly put into my food. And after 1-2 years after I left java, I understood that I love my mother.
I listen to her words but not all.

Thank you for your encouragement. I hope that thoughts about girls will torture me less.

[Tim Holloway]

A sedative is probably going to make you feel worse, not better. Even if it makes pain go away, it does not fix the problem. This is also true of alcohol.

Also bad is to take a medication twice as much for half as long, Anti-depressants don't work that way. It's like putting a cork in a hole. Using a cork that is twice as long doesn't plug the hole twice as good because the unused part of the cork just goes to waste. In fact, most anti-depressants can take anywhere from 1 to 6 weeks before you get results and most people have to try more than one drug before they find one that works. Remember, anti-depressants don't make you feel good, they just stop you from feeling so bad. It's easy to tell when you feel good, but not as easy to see that what used to make you feel bad doesn't make you feel as bad anymore.

"Intrusive thought" that you cannot get rid of is obsession. That's often easy to treat once someone knows about it.

If it helps, many beautiful women feel insecure and would not mind being admired even by men who are not all that beautiful themselves. I actually don't care for "movie star" beauty myself. Very few women can be truly ugly when they smile. One of the most beautiful women I ever knew was very homely with much care worn on her face, but not when she smiled.

Based on how you are talking, I think you are very confused and uncertain and need good counseling. In my town, a psychologist is often one of the best and cheapest options, although I think you probably do need to get a doctor to prescribe something or maybe you're proscribing yourself something and need to stop it. There are other counseling options as well, some of them inexpensive or free. Sometimes there are public clinics. Some people get help from religious counselors - although this can be risky if the counselor lets religion become too much a part of the counseling. Mostly you need to find someone you can trust. And if your condition makes it impossible to trust anyone, try someone you'd like to be able to trust.

You need to act promptly. If you sit around thinking, you'll just make it worse. The sooner you take action, the less time you'll be miserable and the less miserable you will be overall. You probably shouldn't rush out tonight, but don't spend more than a week. Probably no option looks good right now, so just make a list of the ones that seem least bad. Don't despair if the first or second option don't work. Few of us are that lucky. Try to make note of what could have been done better instead of wasting time remembering how it went wrong.

And remember, your biggest critic is you. If you can learn to love yourself, then even if the whole world hates you, you win. And you might be amazed at how many people will love you if you love yourself.

[Randall Twede]

you know, mark, you are actually quite the catch for many women. 28 you say? and a software engineer?

[Mark Spencers]

Thank you for support!

I really need good councelling. At this moment I seek good psychologist.

I began to take Gidazepam IC(it is tranquilizer). I prescribed it myself. After two pills I feel a little better.

[Stephan van Hulst]

I would not self-prescribe medication. It might make you feel better in the short term, but it may cause your condition to worsen over time. You might be better helped with an SSRI, but you should definitely talk to a doctor about that first.

[Tim Holloway]

Gidazepam is sometimes used as an anti-anxiety drug, so if social interaction is a problem, it may help, but that's really something a personal doctor should determine. Do not drink alcohol while using it. Tell any doctors (including psychologists) that you are taking it. Like most such drugs, it can turn around and bite you, so it's best if someone monitors what it's doing to you. Also, of course, if a doctor feels like prescribing something, he or she needs to know so that whatever they prescribe can be checked against possible adverse interactions with what you are already taking.

On the whole, self-prescribed medications are not a good idea even for medical professionals. As the saying goes, "A doctor who treats himself has a fool for a doctor and an ass for a patient". Or maybe it's the other way around. Do not let a possibly temporary feeling of well-being stop you from getting independent help. This is especially important, since your whole problem is that you cannot think "normally" (whatever that is). "Feeling better" doesn't always mean clear thought. Lots of people feel good after drinking alcohol, get in a car and kill someone. Once long ago the someone that got killed was my wife.

[Giovanni Montano]

Mark Spencers wrote:

Can you help me, if words can.

According Socrates, yes:)

From 1 to 10 how do you like yourself?

[Mark Spencers]

From 1 to 10 how do you like yourself?

If I have a good job then I like myself 8. But if I have job with little salary - 5.

It's difficult to say. I think if I did smth good then i feel inspired but if smth is wrong - I am upset.

If I succeed on smth then I rate myself 10 if I fail my rate is based on how much effort I did.

[Mark Spencers]

Finally I read this sentence.

Once long ago the someone that got killed was my wife.

This is heartbreaking.

[Mark Spencers]

Is she dead or alive?

[Giovanni Montano]

Mark Spencers wrote:

From 1 to 10 how do you like yourself?

If I have a good job then I like myself 8. But if I have job with little salary - 5.

It's difficult to say. I think if I did smth good then i feel inspired but if smth is wrong - I am upset.

If I succeed on smth then I rate myself 10 if I fail my rate is based on how much effort I did.

you really smart, it is so true, it depends by our state of consciusness of the moment.

Speaking straight to the topic, I can tell you for personal experience, that if we like ourselves, girls are going to find us almost always seductive.
They have antennas really well developed.

Is not easy to control our thoughts, but what help me is to run, that gives me endorphines, so my thoughts are positive