> > WHat Girls think about Engineers ...
> >
> >Comprehending Engineers - Take one.
> >
> >Two engineering students were walking across campus
> when one
> said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
> >The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking
> long yesterday
> minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode
> up on this bike.
> She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her
> clothes and
> said, "Take what you want."
> >The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good
> choice; the clothes
> wouldn't have fit anyway."
> >
> >Lesson: Don't bother to drop even the most obvious
> hint, they can't
> catch anyway.
> >(This is a reality! If you don't believe, test
> them!)
> >
> >Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
> >
> >To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the
> pessimist, the glass
> half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as
> big as it needs to
> be.
> >
> >Lesson: There is no
philosophy to talk abt but
> calculations and
> calculations...
> >
> >Comprehending Engineers -Take Three
> >
> >A pastor, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting
> one morning for a
> particularly slow group of golfers.
> >The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We
> must have been
> waiting for 15 minutes!"
> >The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never
> seen such
> ineptitude".
> >The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens
> keeper. Let's have a
> word with him." "Hi John. Say, what's with that
> group ahead of us?
> They're rather slow, aren't they?"
> >The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group
> of blind
> firefighters. They lost their sight saving our
> clubhouse from a fire
> last year, so we always let them play for free
> anytime."
> >
> >The group was silent for a moment.
> >Then the pastor said, "That's so sad I think I will
> say a special
> prayer for them tonight."
> >The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to
> contact my
> ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he
> can do for
> them."
> >The engineer, after much thought said, "Why can't
> these guys play at
> night?"
> >
> >Lesson: No emotions please, only practicality works
> here.
> >
> >Comprehending Engineers -Take Four
> >
> >What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers
> and Civil
> Engineers?
> >Mechanical Engineers build weapons; Civil Engineers
> build targets.
> >
> >Lesson: They build and build and build and build
> and... to
> compliment one another.
> >
> >Comprehending Engineers -Take Five
> >
> >Three engineering students were gathered together
> discussing the
> possible designers of the human body.
> >One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look
> at all the
> joints."
> >Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer.
> The nervous system
> has many thousands of electrical connections."
> >The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer.
> Who else would run
> a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
>
> >
> >Lesson: All of them have their own theories. None
> for believing!
> >
> >Comprehending Engineers -Take Six
> >
> >"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke,
> don't fix it.
> Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't
> have enough
> features yet."
> >
> >Lesson: They are complicated and twisted.
> >
> >Comprehending Engineers -Take Seven
> >
> >An architect, an artist, and an engineer were
> discussing whether it
> was better to spend time with a wife or a mistress.
> >The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife,
> building a solid
> foundation for an enduring relationship.
> >The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress,
> because of the
> passion and mystery he found there.
> >The engineer said, "I like both.".
> >"Both?". "Yeah," replied the engineer. "If you have
> a wife and a
> mistress, they will each assume you are spending
> time with the other
> woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work
> done."
> >
> >Lesson: NEVER fall for an engineer!!!
> >
> >Comprehending Engineers - Take Eight
> >
> >An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog
> called out to
> him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a
> beautiful princess."
> He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his
> pocket.
> >The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me
> and turn me back
> into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for
> one week." The
> engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at
> it and returned
> it to the pocket.
> >The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn
> me back into a
> beautiful princess I'll stay with you and do
> ANYTHING you want."
> Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it
> and put it back
> into his pocket.
> >Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've
> told you I'm a
> beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a
> week and do
> anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
> >The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't
> have time for a
> girlfriend, but a TALKING frog, now that's cool!
> >
> >Lesson: Once again, NEVER fall for an engineer!!!
>
==============================
Subject: Sex
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:
Two men were talking.
"So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month,
but not enough to live on!"
LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
"I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural.
I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his
wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me
when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and
replied, "You're never home!"
CONFOUNDED SEX:
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood"
was mangled and torn from his body.
His doctor assured him that modern medicine could
give him back his manhood, but that his insurance
wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered
cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for small, $6,500
for medium, $14,000 for large. The man was sure he would want a
medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his
wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the
phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the
room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of
you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather
remodel the kitchen".
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX:
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting
you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As
Ever'." "Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone that
reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
WOMEN'S HUMOR:
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said,
"This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs and he couldn't get back in.
===========================
Subject: Fw: SOME
CARDS.....
NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF THE
DAY!!!
1. I always wanted
To have someone to hold,
Someone to love.
After meeting you ... (inside card)
I changed my mind.
2. I must admit,
You brought religion into my life ... (inside card)
I never believed in Hell
Until I met you.
3. As the days go by,
I think how lucky I am ... (inside card)
That you're not here
To ruin it for me.
4. Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go ... (inside card)
Will you take the knife from my back?
You'll probably need it again.
5. Someday I hope to marry ... (inside card)
Someone other than you.
6. Happy birthday!
You look great for your age ... (inside card)
Almost lifelike!
7. When we were together,
You said you'd die for me.. . (inside card)
Now we've broken up,
I think it's time
To keep your promise.
8. We've been friends for a very long time ... (inside card)
What do you say we stop?
9. I'm so miserable without you ... (inside card)
It's almost like you're still here.
10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. .
Did you ever find out who the father was
11. You are such a good friend
If we were on a sinking ship
And there was only one life jacket ... (inside card)
I'd miss you terribly
And think of you often.
12. Your friends and I wanted
to do something really special
for your birthday... (inside card)
So we're having you put to sleep.
13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
14. Looking back o'er the years
We've been together,
I can't help but wonder ... (inside card)
What was I thinking?
15. Congratulations on your wedding day!. . . (inside card)
Too bad no one likes your husband.
16. How could two people, as beautiful as you ... (inside card)
Have such an ugly baby?